I’m a bit of a disaster when it comes to being social. I’ve wanted to say this is an issue with the gay scene, but I honestly don’t think that is fair to he scene or myself. I think I would be just as disastrous were I not gay. I think some of the details would be slightly different, but I just don’t think the situation would be too far removed. I seem capable enough when it comes to chatting and small talk, but when it comes to the big stuff (like swapping numbers and hanging out with nee people) I think it is pretty safe to say that I have no clue what the hell is going on.
Most of the guys I know are great at socializing and making new friends. Scratch that, let us call them acquaintances. They meet new people, gab, chat, swap numbers, hang out, get involved in some light interpersonal drama and all is well in the universe. It seems like most of these connections are somewhat fleeting or lightweight though. While most people seem to water ski or snorkel through the social scene I tend to end up in diving bells way out at sea. It’s rare for me to find or make a new friend but when I do, they are almost always golden and part of my family. This has it’s advantages, lots and lots of them. And, though it is not a disadvantage to be able to forge such lasting bonds, I think it is possible I might be missing out on opportunities with people who are not quite as intense/neurotic/bizarre.
So let’s talk about contributing factors, shall we? Lets throw the two biggies right out there: I am retardedly insecure and I have trust issues. Hmm… it’s no wonder, really, how I could get backed into corners by my own demons of self defeat. I think I do a really good job of getting past them in the opening rounds of exchange, but as I am left to my own devices and my thoughts wander, my internal gaze inevitably falls upon my personal pandora’s box and things go downhill from there.
It really just comes down the qualms we have with various aspects of ourselves which I honestly think we all have deep (or not so deep) inside like weight, style, grooming, presentation, or personality. I think at any given time anyone has had doubts about one or all of these aspects of themselves. I just happen to allow myself to indulge in them quite a bit more often than I should and I don’t really quite know how to stop.
I know I am not alone here, but at the same time it seems like I am the only person who hasn’t figured out how to get past it? I don’t know! Any thoughts? More to come…
It’s officially summer in my book! Last night went to the Joss Stone concert at Red Butte Gardens above Salt Lake City. Great music, drinks, company. I love the concerts at Red Butte, all sorts of people pour in from all over the valley and it’s chill and fun. If you haven’t gone to one, I suggest you make some time this summer. Even if it’s for an artist you are not familiar with.
No, silly. Not mine. I wish.
Once upon a time, I uploaded a picture to Flickr. A really nice guy commented on this crappy camera phone picture and I was so dumbfounded and dumb and didn’t say anything back. Because I’m socially retarded. Anyhow, while looking at his photos I kind of come to the conclusion that he is gay which is something I find beautifully reassuring. Myself, a hulking spaz of a gay man crowing over his new kitchen appliance gets a lovely comment back from a complete stranger online who also happens to be gay and loves the same kitchen appliances.
A handful of things came of this. I finally figured out how to organically link through to find new photographers on Flickr. I began browsing through the people he follows and knows and I find that I have been kind of touched by a member of this big’ole group of handsome, rugged, disgustingly talented photographers who happen to be gay. (Touched in a metaphorical way, not actually touched. I wish.) I then became completely overwhelmed by the beauty of the work by some of the photographers on Flickr, as well as the beauty of some of the photographers on Flickr. (sigh)
Anyhow, one of these photogs is a dashingly handsome man who has recently revealed that he is starting a relationship with someone who lives thousands of miles and an ocean away. They are using Skype to keep in touch and have plans to spend time together later on in the year. My head exploded from the adorability of it all. Ridiculously handsome men finding one another and being all involved with each other on different continents. Wow.
I learned a lot from this little jaunt into cyberspace:
- I must either figure out how to woo ridiculously handsome men via Skype or move to Canada or the UK or someplace where these ridiculously handsome men live. (I jest! Or do I?)
- We are more connected than we can fully comprehend and I’m part of a beautiful extended family of gay men the world over.
- Beautiful and unexpected things can happen in this world for people you have never met and know nothing about.
- Being terrified of playing with photography because there are ridiculously good looking people out there who are ridiculously great artists is understandable, but essentially silly and counterproductive. (Yeah, I didn’t really tie that one in well with the post, but I’m throwing it in here anyway.)
Lastly, though this is an area in which I have not lost or given up hope:
There is always hope and the possibility of finding a handsome man out there who is will be just as jazzed about me and I will be thrilled about him. Maybe even I will stumble onto the prince charming of my dreams and we will date via Skype and I will move to whatever foreign land he hails from and we will live happily ever after THE END. Or maybe he’ll move here and live with me and happily ever after blah, blah… Or maybe some other fun adventure awaits?!
No matter what, there is an adventure out there to be had, and I will have it!
Really, I could say I was playing with fire for this picture. A gigantic fiery ball of fusion which sits at the center of this star system. I took this just a couple days ago. The sunset was casting very warm light throughout the house and things were almost sepia. I whipped out the tripod near the end. This shot is an 8 second exposure.
I left the Mormon church who’s members are a self-described “peculiar people”. I left to be able to make choices and decisions to more fully realize the person I want to be. I left so that I could enjoy the companionship that staying could not afford me. I find it ironic that I can still very easily described as a “peculiar person”.
I know I am an odd duck. In many ways I relish it, but at times I am at odds with it. (At odds with being odd, har har.) I don’t connect well with most of the gay population that I am aware of. I get along with anyone well enough; but as for establishing a lasting social connection, that’s where things deteriorate quickly. I have a circle of golden friends whom I love, but the process of making new contacts is a freaking mess. Don’t even get me started on dating, that’s another beast all together wherein I am a total spaz at best.
I will always be the first person to acknowledge the fact that I am a headstrong spaz and total dork more often than not. My goal in life is to live with as much honesty, grace and humor as possible as I think those are the qualities I can most benefit from. I do sometimes wonder if that is the best approach or best set of ideals as I never seem to gain much ground in the socialization department. Maybe there is some area which I have yet to recognize or understand. This wouldn’t be the first time.
I guess for now, I will take comfort in knowing that so far I have made a life which I am proud of. I may not understand all of it, and I doubt I ever fully will. My friend-making process, though quite slow and semi-retarded, will continue to work as it has. I carry the hope that at some point, what and who I am will be enough for some special guy who will be willing and want to sweep me off my feet. I really do enjoy and am very happy with where I am at in my life right now, earlier grumblings included. However, finding the Petruchio to my Katherine or Katherine to my Petruchio would be such an exciting adventure.
It has been three years since my last relationship. It may yet be another three years before I find my next. Or it could be thee months, who knows! I just hope that it will happen at some point and that I will be able to recognize it and dive in if and when it does.
