Well the holiday season has come and is on its way out the door, and I couldn’t be more thankful. I have neglected my largely unobserved duties around here and am happy to be back. I enjoy the opportunity to spend more time with family and friends, but it seems like thats all I was doing for a while and I am happy to be getting back to my boring old life.
Compared to many of my peers, my life is mind-bogglingly craptacular, but I thoroughly enjoy it and have cultivated it not unlike a bonsai tree. I am not one for the club and/or bar scene as so many people in their twenties, especially in the gay population, seem to be nuts about. I can listen to my own music at deafening levels and butt-dance in my car whenever I like and drinking at home with friends is so much cheaper and more fun on the whole. I do go out from time to time and I enjoy myself a lot when I do, but not enough to make it a constant thing. There are also concerns involved like drinking and driving, what the hell I will wear, and finding people to go with among others.
I generally enjoy reading, going for a drive, eating out, going to movies, going for walks, going shopping, hanging out with friends and other less-than-raucous activities. I don’t think these things happen exclusively apart from clubbing and bar-going, but I think that for many people they would rather go to the bar or club when given the option. I have thought a lot about this and wonder what the reasons may be. I think that for the most part it comes down to a couple major factors. The first being the comfort which I have in my home. The second being my self-conscious nature which I still struggle to throw off at times.
I spent a great deal of time this year looking for not just a house, but some place I could call home. I was very fortunate to find exactly that. I love being home because it is a safe haven away from the bustle and crowd. I have a place all my own, not some box butted up against other apartments, where I can live apart from the din of other people’s lives. At first all the space was daunting and even overwhelming but I’ve worked hard with the house and the space to make it an inviting and welcoming place. After discovering my own true home it’s easy come home, stay there and be happy.
In spite of a great amount of personal progress and development over the last 4 years since I came out, I still find that I have moments where I am very self-conscious. The logic of it is easy enough to deconstruct, but the gut impulse behind it is a strong one. I don’t obsess about what people think of my personality or behavior anymore, nor do I worry endlessly about things I can’t control. But there is this strong impulse inside of me that mindlessly shouts, “FEAR HOW YOU LOOK! VAGABOND BEGGARS ARE BETTER PUT TOGETHER THAN YOU!” every time I am about to go out where there will be a number of people or especially other gay men.
It’s ridiculously silly, I know, but hard to stomp out. I dress well, putting together thoughtful outfits and ensembles which have never lead to someone pointing and openly shouting things like, “HOMELESS,” or, “FUGLY,” at me. I just think it’s a very primal urge to compare ourselves to others and to look good in front of potential mates, mine happens to be a little too outspoken. Every year I get better at managing this instinct and I realize that I find myself attracted to people based on many factors, of which appearance is only one. Everyone else operates in much the same way.
We all have patterns of behavior which are shaped by both positive and negative things. One of the most important lessons I have learned is that I have to be willing to openly and honestly review these things with myself. I am happy with my social life right now and am fully aware of the factors that have gone into the choices which shape my behavior. If I don’t analyze my life and carefully look at what I am doing and why, I run the risk of denying myself opportunities to grow and live a happier, more fulfilling life.