Monthly Archives: May 2009

Moo

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This evening I went with a friend to see the new Tom Hanks movie Angels and Demons, staring Tom Hanks and Tom Hanks.  As we were exiting the theatre I was finally introduced to one of the most legendary and awe inspiring sights of my life.  I beheld a woman in the most amazing purple moo moo I have ever seen in my life.  Okay it may be the only moo moo I have ever seen in my life, but it was pretty damn amazing.  The only thing which would have made it more amazing is if it had been worn with matching purple Crocs.

I relate this because, in all honesty, I saw the simple construction of the garment and immediately thought, “wow that must be comfortable.”  This took me aback because not only are moo moos notoriously part of urban lore for their hideousness, but this particular moo moo was very purple.  And still, I just thought to myself, wow that does look comfortable.  I give the woman who wore that generally questionable garment props for doing what felt right.  Even though some item of clothes or other status objects we wear or use are not the best (or even considered widely to be the worst), anyone can make anything work for for them by owning it, rocking the look, and enjoying yourself the whole time.  If you work it well enough you may even get people to like it, case in point.

(No, I will not purchase or buy a moo moo under any circumstances.  I’m just saying.)

(Yet Another) New Look

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Check it out!  I’ve got a another brand new look going on for my site.  I’ve checked it out using Safari on Mac and Windows along with Internet Explorer 8 and it seems to be working well.  Let me know if you have any feedback on the design in the comments below.  More interesting posts to come this week!

Part 1: The Problem

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Four years ago, I finally came to a point in my life where I had to come to grips with my sexuality.  It started with an instant message conversation with a friend about going to college and it took an unexpected twist.  A couple days later, after thinking long and hard about it all I sat down and put it all into words.  I had to parse it out and begin to analyze what was happening before I lost my marbles.  This is an excerpt from my journal where I first acknowledge the issue…

Okay, so yesterday I talked to John via MSN Messenger.  We were discussing this and that, I told him I was looking into going to Utah State University after I joked that I was gay.  Well, he tells me that he is gay.  For real.  Then I had to open my big trap and tell him that I am gay too.  It was a split second sort of thing, but at the same time it wasn’t.

Lets explore this shall we?  I have been battling these feelings since I was eleven or twelve.  As long as I can remember, actually.  I have always felt interest in men more naturally than women.  I have always been this way to the best of my knowledge.  Now we could digress and try to set blame, “it was being raised in a neighborhood without many boys his age…” etc. but that does not really change anything or provide us with anything constructive.

It is my assumption that this is one of those challenges that I checked off on the pre-mortal* clipboard before I came down here.  This is my belief with all of life’s challenges.  What on earth, exactly, I am supposed to do with my homosexuality, is a very hard question to address.  I think, at this point, it is simply enough to have accepted it.

I have talked with several counselors over the past couple years for related issues.  The first one just got out the big rubber ‘Gay’ stamp and conked me on the forehead with it.  Then he really just sat there and tried to sell me on self-medication strategies to distract myself from it.  Yeah…  I can just imagine all of the people who have tried to drown their fears in food.  Not a pretty sight.

The other was very supportive of whoever I wanted to be and things I should do to make myself a happier, better person.  I have always very adamantly denied being gay, but I think that it was just me trying to be un-gay.  I don’t think that being gay is something that cannot be altered or fixed so to speak.  And as with all the classic programs, you simply can’t change unless you have come to accept your predicament.

Well, I am pretty sure I am gay.  This is something I have skirted around for a very, very long time.  But I don’t feel any different now that I have said it.  In fact, I feel just a little miniscule bit of relief or composure now.

What next?

Gay.  What do I do with that?  What do I do with myself now?  Who do I tell and who do I leave guessing?  This is the tough one.  This is the hard question.  This is the one that I don’t think anyone in our society really has nailed (especially in Utah).  For the moment, I will sit on this.  I will just be me for now and work on my spirituallity.  Surely I am not barred from having the spirit and the blessings of the Lord in my life as long as I follow the commandments.  President Hinkley** has stated that numerous times.

I was talking with my friend A this week and I learned something.  We were talking and I mentioned that I did not feel as spiritual as I really felt I should and she offered the simple and elegant response, “If you don’t like something, fix it.”  It has helped me several times already this week and it will be my new motto.

For some odd reason, I feel very centered right now.  I feel like there are a great many things that I can accomplish if I so choose.  Who would have thought.

———

* In Mormon teachings it is believed that we all lived together and were conscious, living entities in a pre-mortal existence.  It was at this time we chose to come to Earth and live our lives here.

** Gordon B Hinkley was the prophet and leader of the Mormon church at the time this journal entry was originally written.

Surviving Year One

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I’m starting a series which I have been anxious to share and have been anxious about sharing.  This will be the chronicle of the first year of my life after I came out in May 2005.  This was a very tumultuous time in my life when everything seemingly turned to shit and the universe fell apart.  I felt isolated and alone and found great solace in writing, to the tune of up to 5,000-6,000 words a week and more.  I have very detailed records and accounting of almost that entire year and the challenges and issues I was dealing with on a daily basis.  As early as June 2005 I began to think I should share some of the lessons and events I experienced during that first year.

I have had a lot of inspiration and drive to share the events of this period from a lot of different sources.  If it hadn’t been for the amazing writing over at dooce.com by Heather Armstrong, I wouldn’t have had the gumption to open up and deal with the chronic depression and anxiety which I had struggled to cope with for years before and since coming out.  Her writing and example taught me that some of the things we need to talk about are the most difficult and even taboo in our society.  Some problems just don’t disappear by sheer force of will and we have to sit down and be very honest with ourselves and the people close to us about them.  Had I not found her blog in 2003, I don’t think I would be here now.

Another influence was the book “In Quiet Desperation: Understanding The Challenge Of Same-gender Attraction” which I read in the first month when first came out.  This book was an overwhelming non-answer to the millions of questions I had jarring about in my head.  In fact, this book left so many questions open and brought into play so much more self-doubt and fear for me, I nearly committed suicide after getting half way through.  I stopped reading the book at that point so I don’t judge it too harshly as I was not able to gather the full intent from the authors.  I felt strongly that there should be something more constructive, more real and evocative for people to connect with.  Something that shared the more intimate and real thought processes and the mistakes and triumphs of someone as they began to understand their sexuality.

I wanted at that time, more than anything in this universe, was someone I could relate to and not feel so alone.  Someone else who was dealing with the same issues I was dealing with so I could better understand my own situation and be less scared of the unknown as it was stretching out in front of me and consuming the life I has previously come to expect.  My hope is that someone may be helped in any way, large or small, by what I have to share.  I will cover things fairly chronologically, so you will be able to see the evolution of my story and of the person I was at that time.  I will be pulling stuff directly from journal entries, making digests of the notes and writing I have, or I may share thoughts I have regarding things then and now.

Finally, a word of warning.  The content of these posts may be difficult for some people to read.  This is going to cover a lot of ground including things like depression, anxiety, religion, sexuality and personal opinion.  These opinions are my own and will reflect both my current views as well as impressions and views I held four years ago.  It’s important to understand that my motivations are not to persuade anyone of one specific way of thinking or lifestyle or to marginalize anyones beliefs or feelings.  Please feel free to comment as I welcome constructive feedback and questions which I hope to address as time goes on.