I’m starting a series which I have been anxious to share and have been anxious about sharing. This will be the chronicle of the first year of my life after I came out in May 2005. This was a very tumultuous time in my life when everything seemingly turned to shit and the universe fell apart. I felt isolated and alone and found great solace in writing, to the tune of up to 5,000-6,000 words a week and more. I have very detailed records and accounting of almost that entire year and the challenges and issues I was dealing with on a daily basis. As early as June 2005 I began to think I should share some of the lessons and events I experienced during that first year.
I have had a lot of inspiration and drive to share the events of this period from a lot of different sources. If it hadn’t been for the amazing writing over at dooce.com by Heather Armstrong, I wouldn’t have had the gumption to open up and deal with the chronic depression and anxiety which I had struggled to cope with for years before and since coming out. Her writing and example taught me that some of the things we need to talk about are the most difficult and even taboo in our society. Some problems just don’t disappear by sheer force of will and we have to sit down and be very honest with ourselves and the people close to us about them. Had I not found her blog in 2003, I don’t think I would be here now.
Another influence was the book “In Quiet Desperation: Understanding The Challenge Of Same-gender Attraction” which I read in the first month when first came out. This book was an overwhelming non-answer to the millions of questions I had jarring about in my head. In fact, this book left so many questions open and brought into play so much more self-doubt and fear for me, I nearly committed suicide after getting half way through. I stopped reading the book at that point so I don’t judge it too harshly as I was not able to gather the full intent from the authors. I felt strongly that there should be something more constructive, more real and evocative for people to connect with. Something that shared the more intimate and real thought processes and the mistakes and triumphs of someone as they began to understand their sexuality.
I wanted at that time, more than anything in this universe, was someone I could relate to and not feel so alone. Someone else who was dealing with the same issues I was dealing with so I could better understand my own situation and be less scared of the unknown as it was stretching out in front of me and consuming the life I has previously come to expect. My hope is that someone may be helped in any way, large or small, by what I have to share. I will cover things fairly chronologically, so you will be able to see the evolution of my story and of the person I was at that time. I will be pulling stuff directly from journal entries, making digests of the notes and writing I have, or I may share thoughts I have regarding things then and now.
Finally, a word of warning. The content of these posts may be difficult for some people to read. This is going to cover a lot of ground including things like depression, anxiety, religion, sexuality and personal opinion. These opinions are my own and will reflect both my current views as well as impressions and views I held four years ago. It’s important to understand that my motivations are not to persuade anyone of one specific way of thinking or lifestyle or to marginalize anyones beliefs or feelings. Please feel free to comment as I welcome constructive feedback and questions which I hope to address as time goes on.