In the weeks after coming out I slowly started to come to grips with the realities of what I was facing. My life, which had previously been laid out so clearly, started to lose its focus and it was clear that I would be treading in uncharted territory. Here is another excerpt from my journal four years ago…
I now suddenly realize that the audience I thought I was writing this for will most likely never exist. I had been writing this with with children and family in mind. I had imagined that at some point I would take my journal and print it out and bind it. I figured it would be something which I would be able to give them and future generations to help them identify with their past. It’s always seemed to me that we tend to cast our ancestors in a somewhat rosy glow and hoped someone would benefit from a more realistic account.
This is so weird. I used to think that I could just wake up one day and everything would be normal and I would be able to date, get married and have kids. But I won’t. I have spent the last eight years battling these feelings in cluelessness and the last four suppressing the idea of being gay while both were battles which could not be won. The last two years I’ve been continually telling myself that I was going to go on a mission, wake up from my gay sleep and all would be well in Zion.
Ahem.
Well now that is not going to happen. I may still go on a mission, but the whole waking up part just isn’t going to happen. My parents have advised against a mission*. It seems that gay people are allowed to go on missions in some cases though. I need to talk to the bishop and find out what his take on this is. He might just, lovingly, put the kibosh on the whole thing.
I think I have a crush on John. When I first met him I had feelings which I couldn’t quite explain and I think I still do. I couldn’t identify them simply because I haven’t ever felt them before. It’s a lot to take in, so I will just sit here and try to figure this all out. I know that I am gay, because this sort of thing never occurred when I was ‘straight’…
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* Young men in the Mormon church generally serve a two-year mission away from home to teach and convert people to the church once they reach the age of 18-19. At 20 I was past due, though it was not uncommon for people go later.