A Quandry

In piecing together the events of four years ago for the Surviving Year One series, I’m running aground on two main issues.  The first has to do with bringing it all together.  I originally thought that this would be a simple act of just slapping parts of my writing on the screen and throwing it online which couldn’t be further from the reality I am facing.  I’m up against one of my largest weaknesses, one of the most challenging things for me to do and will do for quite some time…  I must edit my own work.  It’s difficult for me to step back and be just a tiny bit objective about all this information as well as figuring out how to present my writing in the way I envisioned it.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.