I recently received an email from a former friend.  The message was a brief apology regarding the circumstances surrounding our parting.  Though I had quite a few more negative emotional responses to it, more than any of those I appreciated it.  As a simple gesture, it was well intended and that was the most important thing.  I had to really think about whether I was going to respond to it at all.  I eventually decided to reply and just moments after sending it, I began to wonder If I really got across what  I wanted to.  I am a rambler after all.

What this is all leading to is a small part of what he wrote at the very end.  “I’m sure you’ll find what you’ve been blessed to receive.” This is a really welcome sentiment and I greatly appreciate it.  What I say here isn’t to nitpick, deride, or invalidate this well-wishing at all.  The concept of finding existential, emotional or other intangible things has come up in a number of conversations lately and I want to talk about my views on this common phrase and concept.  I don’t believe in finding things.  I believe in making them.

This is a hard one for me.  It’s not something I want to seem like I’m being preachy as it is a life lesson I’m still working on.  A lot of people communicate that “I need to find myself” or that “I’m looking for happiness.”  I really strongly believe that this will only set the stage for invalid findings and fruitless searches.  It seems like it’s one of those lazy/hard things we do to procrastinate or avoid more daunting ideas or situations.  Those actions which look or seem easier as they are less complex, but in the grand scheme of things just increase the sheer volume of work in the end.

If I were to seek out who I am, I will find a great many things that resonate or reflect what I am and even more that I am not.  The problem is that this really only creates a great Venn diagram of things which coincide with the best impression I have of myself.  It isn’t a one-to-one expression of exactly who I want to be and much more importantly who I am willing to be.  Sitting down and deciding who I am and making that a reality through my actions is a far more daunting task than mapping out which circles out there coincide with who I think I might be.  I think too many people settle for a pattern circles which are beneath them, which I don’t think is necessarily weakness so a simple failure to harness their own potential and unique opportunities.

That one I think I have down well enough, things get tricky when it comes to stuff like “looking for happiness”-type situations.  I lose track of that CONSTANTLY and must remind myself of time and again.  Happiness is an emotional state which comes from within myself.  Very often we are inclined to look to external factors as a barometer of our happiness which is one of the most sad mass-delusions in human history.

Of course there are many raw emotional states which are triggered by outside sources.  If a stranger were to walk up to me off the street and kicks me in the shins I would immediately feel anger, confusion, and hostility.  What happens next is usually the product of habit and conditioning, though anything I feel or do at that point is actually a choice.  The trick is breaking that down the facts of the situation and choosing what I want to do.  I could choose to feel vengeful and react with further aggression.  I could chose to feel hurt and mope about it all day.  I could even chose to feel special for having the unique experience of this very bizarre event and laugh about it the rest of the day sharing the absurdity with my friends.

The lazy/hard way to handle this is to just live with the conditioned responses I have built up and accept the consequences as fate.  The harder path is choosing to stop and make choices about how I will feel and respond to situations in life.  It’s not hard because you have to stop and think, that is quite easy once you figure it out.  The hard part is remembering to keep it up.  It’s easy to get lax and start to let things slide.  My recent conversations have reminded me of this and it’s time to get back at it.