A Question

This morning I did what I always do on Sunday mornings and I started reading today’s secrets from PostSecret.  Today the routine was different because of the addition of a short video.  People on the street were asked to share their secrets and the result was different from what I expected.  I had expected something very dark and dismal exposing what lies behind the social masks that I had assumed the subjects wear.  I don’t know why I would have thought that, as I never wonder what lies beneath with the people I meet day to day.  This is a thought-provoking concept which I could fill an entire post on but I want to keep this focused on secrets.

I read PostSecret and I’m amused and shocked and made uncomfortable and moved and, most significantly, I feel connected.  The movie was very much in keeping with this.  We all have secrets, some of which seem more obvious or less secret-ey than others and some which do reveal a darker side to all of our lives.  I share a lot of things here which may at one point or another fallen anywhere on that scale for me.  I don’t think that they necessarily always things that I have thought “Oh! I must keep that a secret and not tell anyone!”  however.  Today I will share a secret though.  One that I’ve had since I started this blog or even the one or two predecessors to this site.

I’m afraid that my writing isn’t good enough and that I won’t achieve what I set out to when I first started writing.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to express or share the thoughts and experiences and emotions I had when I was coming out.

I definitely have to be level with myself and just say that by not really following through with that goal, I will fail by default.  Pure and simple.  I had a rough start earlier this year which stalled out and died after only a few posts and part of the standstill is this secret fear I’ve held.  Growing up is messy work, coming out is even more difficult.  Combine the two and you get a superfund disaster which, when even I look back on it, makes me cringe and feel critical and criticizing our own work, let alone your own life is ridiculously hard.

Anyhow, that is my secret this week and I may post more or I may not, so there it is.