I left the Mormon church who’s members are a self-described “peculiar people”. I left to be able to make choices and decisions to more fully realize the person I want to be. I left so that I could enjoy the companionship that staying could not afford me. I find it ironic that I can still very easily described as a “peculiar person”.
I know I am an odd duck. In many ways I relish it, but at times I am at odds with it. (At odds with being odd, har har.) I don’t connect well with most of the gay population that I am aware of. I get along with anyone well enough; but as for establishing a lasting social connection, that’s where things deteriorate quickly. I have a circle of golden friends whom I love, but the process of making new contacts is a freaking mess. Don’t even get me started on dating, that’s another beast all together wherein I am a total spaz at best.
I will always be the first person to acknowledge the fact that I am a headstrong spaz and total dork more often than not. My goal in life is to live with as much honesty, grace and humor as possible as I think those are the qualities I can most benefit from. I do sometimes wonder if that is the best approach or best set of ideals as I never seem to gain much ground in the socialization department. Maybe there is some area which I have yet to recognize or understand. This wouldn’t be the first time.
I guess for now, I will take comfort in knowing that so far I have made a life which I am proud of. I may not understand all of it, and I doubt I ever fully will. My friend-making process, though quite slow and semi-retarded, will continue to work as it has. I carry the hope that at some point, what and who I am will be enough for some special guy who will be willing and want to sweep me off my feet. I really do enjoy and am very happy with where I am at in my life right now, earlier grumblings included. However, finding the Petruchio to my Katherine or Katherine to my Petruchio would be such an exciting adventure.
It has been three years since my last relationship. It may yet be another three years before I find my next. Or it could be thee months, who knows! I just hope that it will happen at some point and that I will be able to recognize it and dive in if and when it does.