Author Archives: frisky

An Experiment

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I’ve been trying the audio dictation features of the new iOS 5 on my phone it’s been really weird. My creative flow just doesn’t seem to go in the same manner as typing the words out and seeing them in my mind and on the page. I’ve always been a much more visual person than I have been an auditory person, when it comes to expressing myself. I’ve always had to see problems or situations in my mind before I can truly understand them.

I’m also finding that there’s also a certain amount of pressure involved. Knowing that some device is waiting for me to finish my thoughts and listening to me stumble over the word selection is rather disconcerting. I don’t know why but I’ve always had an easier time being off-the-cuff in informal conversation, but when it comes to expressing what I truly feel I don’t feel like I can actually express that words spoken aloud. There’s a certain amount of complexity to what feels like a process of cultivation that I use when selecting the words to express myself. Even now as I’m aware of this, I’m finding it very difficult to pacing myself a little bit more slowly than I do when I talk somebody casually.

In Star Trek you always see people recording their logs and such visually by dictation and although that works better for storytelling it doesn’t really work the same way in real life. At least for me, that is. I’m very curious to see just how widespread this form of data entry will become as people are able to use it through devices like the iPhone 4S. Will become ubiquitous and a natural way of communicating with each other and our own technology in the future? Or will it remain the stuff of science fiction?

In case you were wondering, I recorded this using Siri on my iPhone 4S. There was a certain amount of editing involved, nothing too complex, as I couldn’t bring myself to share the direct results with anybody.

Tired

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Haven’t been able to sleep well for weeks. I can’t figure out what my defect is. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, though. Insomnia is my oldest friend and enemy.

Rough Week

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Its been a rough week. Maybe even a rough month. I have felt stress and pressure seemingly for no apparent reason, at least any reason which could account for this level of stress. I have been relaxing this weekend to decompress and it has been helpful, but I can’t help feeling as though there is something more going on. Something emotional.

I consider myself to be really good at a lot of things, but understanding my own emotions has always eluded me. Emotions can be scary, scary things. Don’t get me wrong, they can be awesome when it’s happy or calm or excited. Stray outside of the middle ground and things like anger, disappointment, guilt or even love can provoke a wide range of physical and perceptual responses over which I feels like I have no control. That is an uncomfortable place to be because it leaves me feeling vulnerable and even scared at times.

It’s no wonder that growing up I found myself connecting with fictional characters like Spock or other emotionally detached persons. Spock was a great example as he had emotions, but because they were so strong (and inherently scary) he controlled them and allowed his logic to guide him. I don’t have the luxury or curse of being able to totally suppress my emotions. In the past when I have encountered severe emotional difficulty, I have done my best to ignore them but that just leaves me vulnerable to depression which is no good.

I don’t know if all of this is a result of having more dramatic emotional responses due to my mental health issues or if I simply don’t possess the normal level of ability to manage my emotions. Either way I just need to work through this and try to gain a better understanding of what is going on in my head. It’s not easy, but I feel like I am a step closer to accepting, understanding and expressing my emotions in a healthy way.

Here’s to the crazy one

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Steve Jobs had a personal goal to “make a dent in the universe” and he certainly did just that.  His drive, vision, care and attitudes shaped the way we live our lives and interact with our computers, music and even each other in this modern age.  He was someone to whom I looked for inspiration as well a glimpse of what our future may hold.  He seemed to possess the uncanny ability to peek into the realm of possibility and bring back to the rest of us – though his hard work and collaboration – gems of innovation and delight.

To me he will forever be the ultimate “crazy one”.

Greener Pastures

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I tried Effexor last month at the suggestion of my medical professional as something which may augment my current daily dose of crazy pills.  It was pretty much the worst thing ever.  I trust him and he made the recommendation in good faith.  Thats just how things go.  But one of the side effects of messing with these kinds of things is the extreme changes in mood and perspective which can happen.  My mood and state of mind were significantly thrown out of whack until I managed to wean off of it.

This experience triggered a lot of thoughts about the meaning of life and things in general.  Though I realize the answer is 42, there is a lot intermediate work needed between where I am and the answer.  One of those things was and whether there are greater opportunities to meet guys with “normal” baggage outside of Utah.  I realize that all humans have baggage, but Utah gays seem to have full sets of Louis Vuitton, complete with hat box, full to to bursting with Mormon issues.  Unresolved issues over the LDS church (or any other religion) is as unattractive to me as bad teeth or bigotry.

I met a very interesting guy on a social networking “app” on my iPhone a while back (hi G!) and my interactions with him have indicated that there is at least one very awesome guy outside of Utah.  He is from Vancouver, so maybe that just stands to reason as Canadians are awesome in general.  My conversations with him confirm the fact that yes, guys outside of Utah have issues of their own but these issues are not Mormon issues.

All of this is moot, really, as I am a homeowner and have a great job here in Utah.  But I can’t help but wonder what might be out there and what exploring those possibilities is worth to me.