In many ways I feel strongly that I have two birthdays. I have my chronological birthday which counts the number of years I’ve been alive. I also have my gay birthday which counts the number of years I have been truly alive.  I think there is a very, very significant difference between the two states.  Before I came out I lived and grew and did a lot of faffing about.  After I came out I had new eyes and built a dramatically different understanding of the world around me  and began to conceptualize who it is I want to be and take action on that.  I became a whole person in the days and weeks following my self-outing and I can’t begin to fathom what life would be like now without that.

A year ago I began a series of posts talking about the process of me coming out.  After a very short period of time I encountered a number of difficulties which I outlined here and stopped writing.  I’m at a point where I think I can pick up on this again.  I am at a point where I have more solid footing and I can write more earnestly about what happened, now five years past.

I’m working on making more time for my writing as well as other hobbies such as photography.  I’ve always loved photography, but haven’t had equipment or drive to do anything about it.  I’ve addressed the equipment side of things.  I have a lovely Canon EOS 20D and hopefully as of tomorrow a fully functional iMac from the latest range.  I just have to get my ass in gear and go.

So there you have it.  It’s May.  It’s spring.  This is my month and it’s time to get up and go.

The most powerful moment I remember took place on one of my birthdays when I was probably around the age of 10.  Though I don’t remember which birthday it was, I will remember the details forever.  My brother and I have birthdays which fall within two days of one another and for our birthday dinner, my mom took us to Sizzler which was a very special treat at that time.  We had waited in line and made our way to the counter to order when I noticed the boy behind the counter.  This wasn’t the person taking our orders, just an average guy who was filling glasses to take to people’s tables.

He was skinny, average height, medium length hair and something about him completely entranced me.  I was watching him as he was emptying the dishwasher behind the counter and stacking the glasses, I couldn’t tell if it was how he was moving or looked or what but I couldn’t look away.   I watched him grab the last glass from the dishwasher, setting it under the soda dispenser to fill it and watching the glass suddenly explode.  He apologized to his superior, looking startled and upset, and began cleaning up the mess.  The trance was broken in that moment and I was completely overwhelmed by this unidentified emotional response and a desire to reach out to him.  Not because the incident had been upsetting but because in an unknown way I felt like we shared something in common.

Another strong moment I remember was the first time I watched To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar starring Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze and John Leguizamo.  The characters are men.  Men who like men.  Men who have the audacity to live out their lives the way they see fit in the face of mainstream culture.  The story takes these amazing drag queens (and drag princess), a subset of the gay minority, and throws them into a situation where they couldn’t possibly be any less discordant with their environment.  In spite of that they go on to promote the values of self-worth, strength of character, respect and true compassion.

By looking at them as queens, not just as gay men, it took the concept of being gay and made it appear to be incidental to the process of living a life you are proud of and choosing to be real and true to yourself.  The first time I watched this it took everything in me not to bawl, the whole damn movie was a religious experience for my young teenage self.  I felt this emotional response which told me I was less alone than I felt and that I would be able to find comfort and greater personal understanding if I could only figure out what I was missing.

Later in life I found myself.  I connected with all these feelings which had been laying dormant for all those years.  I can’t describe to you the sense of calm, comfort and strength I felt when I realized I was gay because I knew that I was not alone.  There were real people doing real things in real places who were gay.  There were stories written by and about people like me and people with dreams beyond my own which gave me reason for hope and happiness.  There were a multitude of other emotions and fears and worries that bombarded me in the following days and weeks but in quiet moments I still felt the calm, comfort and strength in understanding that I was not alone.

My life pretty much rebooted four and a half years ago when I came out and the events which took place over those first months left me in a state where I had to start my life over from scratch. I had almost literally nothing. My car was totaled, I had no job or money, I was living in a new and unfamiliar place, and I felt very much alone in this world. All I really had were my laptop, cell phone and a month of rent paid up front. This was the beginning of my very literal renaissance, my rebirth.

Four and a half years later I have a lovely home that is my very own. I have a great job which I’m now beginning to see as a career. I have a reliable car which is something I’ll never take for granted. I have good friends who I love dearly and have been there for me more times than I can count. All of this adds up to make my full and satisfying life which, in many ways, is still just getting started.

Tomorrow I will be 25 years old and as implausible and extraordinary as that seems to me, taken in the context of my implausible and extraordinary life, I suppose it makes sense.

I read PostSecret and I’m amused and shocked and made uncomfortable and moved and, most significantly, I feel connected.  The movie was very much in keeping with this.  We all have secrets, some of which seem more obvious or less secret-ey than others and some which do reveal a darker side to all of our lives.  I share a lot of things here which may at one point or another fallen anywhere on that scale for me.  I don’t think that they necessarily always things that I have thought “Oh! I must keep that a secret and not tell anyone!”  however.  Today I will share a secret though.  One that I’ve had since I started this blog or even the one or two predecessors to this site.

I’m afraid that my writing isn’t good enough and that I won’t achieve what I set out to when I first started writing.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to express or share the thoughts and experiences and emotions I had when I was coming out.

I definitely have to be level with myself and just say that by not really following through with that goal, I will fail by default.  Pure and simple.  I had a rough start earlier this year which stalled out and died after only a few posts and part of the standstill is this secret fear I’ve held.  Growing up is messy work, coming out is even more difficult.  Combine the two and you get a superfund disaster which, when even I look back on it, makes me cringe and feel critical and criticizing our own work, let alone your own life is ridiculously hard.

Anyhow, that is my secret this week and I may post more or I may not, so there it is.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.

I now suddenly realize that the audience I thought I was writing this for will most likely never exist.  I had been writing this with with children and family in mind.  I had imagined that at some point I would take my journal and print it out and bind it.  I figured it would be something which I would be able to give them and future generations to help them identify with their past.  It’s always seemed to me that we tend to cast our ancestors in a somewhat rosy glow and hoped someone would benefit from a more realistic account.

This is so weird.  I used to think that I could just wake up one day and everything would be normal and I would be able to date, get married and have kids.  But I won’t.  I have spent the last eight years battling these feelings in cluelessness and the last four suppressing the idea of being gay while both were battles which could not be won.  The last two years I’ve been continually telling myself that I was going to go on a mission, wake up from my gay sleep and all would be well in Zion.

Ahem.

Well now that is not going to happen.  I may still go on a mission, but the whole waking up part just isn’t going to happen.  My parents have advised against a mission*.  It seems that gay people are allowed to go on missions in some cases though.  I need to talk to the bishop and find out what his take on this is.  He might just, lovingly, put the kibosh on the whole thing.

I think I have a crush on John.  When I first met him I had feelings which I couldn’t quite explain and I think I still do.  I couldn’t identify them simply because I haven’t ever felt them before.  It’s a lot to take in, so I will just sit here and try to figure this all out.  I know that I am gay, because this sort of thing never occurred when I was ‘straight’…

———

* Young men in the Mormon church generally serve a two-year mission away from home to teach and convert people to the church once they reach the age of 18-19.  At 20 I was past due, though it was not uncommon for people go later.

Okay, so yesterday I talked to John via MSN Messenger.  We were discussing this and that, I told him I was looking into going to Utah State University after I joked that I was gay.  Well, he tells me that he is gay.  For real.  Then I had to open my big trap and tell him that I am gay too.  It was a split second sort of thing, but at the same time it wasn’t.

Lets explore this shall we?  I have been battling these feelings since I was eleven or twelve.  As long as I can remember, actually.  I have always felt interest in men more naturally than women.  I have always been this way to the best of my knowledge.  Now we could digress and try to set blame, “it was being raised in a neighborhood without many boys his age…” etc. but that does not really change anything or provide us with anything constructive.

It is my assumption that this is one of those challenges that I checked off on the pre-mortal* clipboard before I came down here.  This is my belief with all of life’s challenges.  What on earth, exactly, I am supposed to do with my homosexuality, is a very hard question to address.  I think, at this point, it is simply enough to have accepted it.

I have talked with several counselors over the past couple years for related issues.  The first one just got out the big rubber ‘Gay’ stamp and conked me on the forehead with it.  Then he really just sat there and tried to sell me on self-medication strategies to distract myself from it.  Yeah…  I can just imagine all of the people who have tried to drown their fears in food.  Not a pretty sight.

The other was very supportive of whoever I wanted to be and things I should do to make myself a happier, better person.  I have always very adamantly denied being gay, but I think that it was just me trying to be un-gay.  I don’t think that being gay is something that cannot be altered or fixed so to speak.  And as with all the classic programs, you simply can’t change unless you have come to accept your predicament.

Well, I am pretty sure I am gay.  This is something I have skirted around for a very, very long time.  But I don’t feel any different now that I have said it.  In fact, I feel just a little miniscule bit of relief or composure now.

What next?

Gay.  What do I do with that?  What do I do with myself now?  Who do I tell and who do I leave guessing?  This is the tough one.  This is the hard question.  This is the one that I don’t think anyone in our society really has nailed (especially in Utah).  For the moment, I will sit on this.  I will just be me for now and work on my spirituallity.  Surely I am not barred from having the spirit and the blessings of the Lord in my life as long as I follow the commandments.  President Hinkley** has stated that numerous times.

I was talking with my friend A this week and I learned something.  We were talking and I mentioned that I did not feel as spiritual as I really felt I should and she offered the simple and elegant response, “If you don’t like something, fix it.”  It has helped me several times already this week and it will be my new motto.

For some odd reason, I feel very centered right now.  I feel like there are a great many things that I can accomplish if I so choose.  Who would have thought.

———

* In Mormon teachings it is believed that we all lived together and were conscious, living entities in a pre-mortal existence.  It was at this time we chose to come to Earth and live our lives here.

** Gordon B Hinkley was the prophet and leader of the Mormon church at the time this journal entry was originally written.

I have had a lot of inspiration and drive to share the events of this period from a lot of different sources.  If it hadn’t been for the amazing writing over at dooce.com by Heather Armstrong, I wouldn’t have had the gumption to open up and deal with the chronic depression and anxiety which I had struggled to cope with for years before and since coming out.  Her writing and example taught me that some of the things we need to talk about are the most difficult and even taboo in our society.  Some problems just don’t disappear by sheer force of will and we have to sit down and be very honest with ourselves and the people close to us about them.  Had I not found her blog in 2003, I don’t think I would be here now.

Another influence was the book “In Quiet Desperation: Understanding The Challenge Of Same-gender Attraction” which I read in the first month when first came out.  This book was an overwhelming non-answer to the millions of questions I had jarring about in my head.  In fact, this book left so many questions open and brought into play so much more self-doubt and fear for me, I nearly committed suicide after getting half way through.  I stopped reading the book at that point so I don’t judge it too harshly as I was not able to gather the full intent from the authors.  I felt strongly that there should be something more constructive, more real and evocative for people to connect with.  Something that shared the more intimate and real thought processes and the mistakes and triumphs of someone as they began to understand their sexuality.

I wanted at that time, more than anything in this universe, was someone I could relate to and not feel so alone.  Someone else who was dealing with the same issues I was dealing with so I could better understand my own situation and be less scared of the unknown as it was stretching out in front of me and consuming the life I has previously come to expect.  My hope is that someone may be helped in any way, large or small, by what I have to share.  I will cover things fairly chronologically, so you will be able to see the evolution of my story and of the person I was at that time.  I will be pulling stuff directly from journal entries, making digests of the notes and writing I have, or I may share thoughts I have regarding things then and now.

Finally, a word of warning.  The content of these posts may be difficult for some people to read.  This is going to cover a lot of ground including things like depression, anxiety, religion, sexuality and personal opinion.  These opinions are my own and will reflect both my current views as well as impressions and views I held four years ago.  It’s important to understand that my motivations are not to persuade anyone of one specific way of thinking or lifestyle or to marginalize anyones beliefs or feelings.  Please feel free to comment as I welcome constructive feedback and questions which I hope to address as time goes on.

Of course I’m biased on this, I want to push forward to gain access to what I feel is my right to marry someone I love, regardless of gender.  At the moment, it looks like the only battleground is in California so that is where I will direct my energies until it can come closer to home.  I ask that everyone who believes in civil rights or the government’s role to serve as a universal provider of service and protection to at least talk to someone, write/post something, or even just send some positive vibes out there to help.

I grew up LDS and I am thankful for the love and spirit of the home in which I was raised.  I learned so many things about spirituality and developed much of my core belief-system within the Church.  My family was and is a very loving and nurturing one and I think that the presence of religion in our home was very influential in that.  Being raised with the promise that families can be together forever, through time and all eternity, is one that brings a comfort and security to the dynamic.

This discussion is something which I have avoided for a great deal of time out of respect for my family and fear of retribution (mainly out of respect).  I talk openly about these things with people on an individual basis when they express interest and I am always careful to gauge their reaction and be sensitive in what I say.  Unfortunately, this medium does not permit me the ability to observe the audience, so I will write my feelings as I would like to share them.  I would ask that you consider these things carefully as one person’s opinion and if you disagree, I respect that and your opinion as your own and would ask that you respect what I have to say.

On http://ldshomosexuality.com/ I was interested to find video interviews with Clark Pingree.  I knew Clark ever so briefly through a friend several years ago.  I hadn’t been able to interact with him much and so he remained very much unknown to me.  I knew he had also been an active member of the LDS church as I once had been but I was not aware of how he had dealt with that issue.  His story is very reminiscent of many many others I have heard, including mine in several ways.  He also very succinctly described the situation that church members are faced with when they suddenly, or terrifyingly realize against all will and denial, find themselves to be homosexual.

Homosexuals who were raised in the church have a difficult time dealing with the options laid before them.  They can choose to be celibate, following “the same rules which apply to any other member of the church”.  The second option, which has thankfully been retired in recent years as a suggested option is to try and create a heterosexual relationship.  The last option is to engage in homosexual activities and face disfellowship or excommunication.

All members, straight or gay, are expected to follow the council of not engaging in “unnatural” love or attraction with people of the same gender.  They are also expected to not engage in sex of any form outside of a marriage.  The act of thinking any of these acts is also sinful.  Gay members are are told they will never be alone, as long as they stay worthy of the companionship of the Holy Ghost, and because we they would have the love and support of their family and church community.  However, in practice these rules dictate a life of loneliness and isolation from intimate or even very close personal relationships which are a fundamental element of personal wellness. 

All of this brings me to the issue at hand, the one that has brought me to this point of breaking personal rules of not getting too cliche on my own blog.  The LDS church is throwing a considerable amount of weight behind the current issue of Proposition 8 in California.  The church does not recognize homosexual relationships and it’s quite clear that homosexuals are allowed to remain in good standing in the church under very specific circumstances.  So I get really frustrated when I see how hard they are fighting to prevent people outside of the fold to have their own peace and happiness.  In my mind, government is meant to be universally accessible.  It should be set up in a way that serves all people equally and fairly as best we can engineer it.  For individuals who feel they may benefit from additional structure, religion is the perfect additive to make that happen.  

For me homosexual marriage is about extending some of the basic rights and priveledges which the rest of the population have enjoyed for so long.  The right to see a loved one in the hospital, the ability to utilize the protections of the Family Medical Leave Act, the ability to inherit property without copious amounts of pre-prepared legal documentation.  It’s about being able to be treated equally among other citizens.  If people want to live the higher standard for personal spiritual gratification, I commend them and encourage them to seek out what works best for them.  I just wish and hope that tolerance of the feelings and lives of unrelated, uninvolved non-believers could be extended by these organizations which set out minister to the spiritual needs of their members.