In many ways I feel strongly that I have two birthdays. I have my chronological birthday which counts the number of years I’ve been alive. I also have my gay birthday which counts the number of years I have been truly alive.  I think there is a very, very significant difference between the two states.  Before I came out I lived and grew and did a lot of faffing about.  After I came out I had new eyes and built a dramatically different understanding of the world around me  and began to conceptualize who it is I want to be and take action on that.  I became a whole person in the days and weeks following my self-outing and I can’t begin to fathom what life would be like now without that.

A year ago I began a series of posts talking about the process of me coming out.  After a very short period of time I encountered a number of difficulties which I outlined here and stopped writing.  I’m at a point where I think I can pick up on this again.  I am at a point where I have more solid footing and I can write more earnestly about what happened, now five years past.

I’m working on making more time for my writing as well as other hobbies such as photography.  I’ve always loved photography, but haven’t had equipment or drive to do anything about it.  I’ve addressed the equipment side of things.  I have a lovely Canon EOS 20D and hopefully as of tomorrow a fully functional iMac from the latest range.  I just have to get my ass in gear and go.

So there you have it.  It’s May.  It’s spring.  This is my month and it’s time to get up and go.

In many ways I feel strongly that I have two birthdays. I have my chronological birthday which counts the number of years I’ve been alive. I also have my gay birthday which counts the number of years I have been truly alive.  I think there is a very, very significant difference between the two states.  Before I came out I lived and grew and did a lot of faffing about.  After I came out I had new eyes and built a dramatically different understanding of the world around me  and began to conceptualize who it is I want to be and take action on that.  I became a whole person in the days and weeks following my self-outing and I can’t begin to fathom what life would be like now without that.

A year ago I began a series of posts talking about the process of me coming out.  After a very short period of time I encountered a number of difficulties which I outlined here and stopped writing.  I’m at a point where I think I can pick up on this again.  I am at a point where I have more solid footing and I can write more earnestly about what happened, now five years past.

I’m working on making more time for my writing as well as other hobbies such as photography.  I’ve always loved photography, but haven’t had equipment or drive to do anything about it.  I’ve addressed the equipment side of things.  I have a lovely Canon EOS 20D and hopefully as of tomorrow a fully functional iMac from the latest range.  I just have to get my ass in gear and go.

So there you have it.  It’s May.  It’s spring.  This is my month and it’s time to get up and go.

In many ways I feel strongly that I have two birthdays. I have my chronological birthday which counts the number of years I’ve been alive. I also have my gay birthday which counts the number of years I have been truly alive.  I think there is a very, very significant difference between the two states.  Before I came out I lived and grew and did a lot of faffing about.  After I came out I had new eyes and built a dramatically different understanding of the world around me  and began to conceptualize who it is I want to be and take action on that.  I became a whole person in the days and weeks following my self-outing and I can’t begin to fathom what life would be like now without that.

A year ago I began a series of posts talking about the process of me coming out.  After a very short period of time I encountered a number of difficulties which I outlined here and stopped writing.  I’m at a point where I think I can pick up on this again.  I am at a point where I have more solid footing and I can write more earnestly about what happened, now five years past.

I’m working on making more time for my writing as well as other hobbies such as photography.  I’ve always loved photography, but haven’t had equipment or drive to do anything about it.  I’ve addressed the equipment side of things.  I have a lovely Canon EOS 20D and hopefully as of tomorrow a fully functional iMac from the latest range.  I just have to get my ass in gear and go.

So there you have it.  It’s May.  It’s spring.  This is my month and it’s time to get up and go.

The most powerful moment I remember took place on one of my birthdays when I was probably around the age of 10.  Though I don’t remember which birthday it was, I will remember the details forever.  My brother and I have birthdays which fall within two days of one another and for our birthday dinner, my mom took us to Sizzler which was a very special treat at that time.  We had waited in line and made our way to the counter to order when I noticed the boy behind the counter.  This wasn’t the person taking our orders, just an average guy who was filling glasses to take to people’s tables.

He was skinny, average height, medium length hair and something about him completely entranced me.  I was watching him as he was emptying the dishwasher behind the counter and stacking the glasses, I couldn’t tell if it was how he was moving or looked or what but I couldn’t look away.   I watched him grab the last glass from the dishwasher, setting it under the soda dispenser to fill it and watching the glass suddenly explode.  He apologized to his superior, looking startled and upset, and began cleaning up the mess.  The trance was broken in that moment and I was completely overwhelmed by this unidentified emotional response and a desire to reach out to him.  Not because the incident had been upsetting but because in an unknown way I felt like we shared something in common.

Another strong moment I remember was the first time I watched To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar starring Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze and John Leguizamo.  The characters are men.  Men who like men.  Men who have the audacity to live out their lives the way they see fit in the face of mainstream culture.  The story takes these amazing drag queens (and drag princess), a subset of the gay minority, and throws them into a situation where they couldn’t possibly be any less discordant with their environment.  In spite of that they go on to promote the values of self-worth, strength of character, respect and true compassion.

By looking at them as queens, not just as gay men, it took the concept of being gay and made it appear to be incidental to the process of living a life you are proud of and choosing to be real and true to yourself.  The first time I watched this it took everything in me not to bawl, the whole damn movie was a religious experience for my young teenage self.  I felt this emotional response which told me I was less alone than I felt and that I would be able to find comfort and greater personal understanding if I could only figure out what I was missing.

Later in life I found myself.  I connected with all these feelings which had been laying dormant for all those years.  I can’t describe to you the sense of calm, comfort and strength I felt when I realized I was gay because I knew that I was not alone.  There were real people doing real things in real places who were gay.  There were stories written by and about people like me and people with dreams beyond my own which gave me reason for hope and happiness.  There were a multitude of other emotions and fears and worries that bombarded me in the following days and weeks but in quiet moments I still felt the calm, comfort and strength in understanding that I was not alone.

My life pretty much rebooted four and a half years ago when I came out and the events which took place over those first months left me in a state where I had to start my life over from scratch. I had almost literally nothing. My car was totaled, I had no job or money, I was living in a new and unfamiliar place, and I felt very much alone in this world. All I really had were my laptop, cell phone and a month of rent paid up front. This was the beginning of my very literal renaissance, my rebirth.

Four and a half years later I have a lovely home that is my very own. I have a great job which I’m now beginning to see as a career. I have a reliable car which is something I’ll never take for granted. I have good friends who I love dearly and have been there for me more times than I can count. All of this adds up to make my full and satisfying life which, in many ways, is still just getting started.

Tomorrow I will be 25 years old and as implausible and extraordinary as that seems to me, taken in the context of my implausible and extraordinary life, I suppose it makes sense.

I read PostSecret and I’m amused and shocked and made uncomfortable and moved and, most significantly, I feel connected.  The movie was very much in keeping with this.  We all have secrets, some of which seem more obvious or less secret-ey than others and some which do reveal a darker side to all of our lives.  I share a lot of things here which may at one point or another fallen anywhere on that scale for me.  I don’t think that they necessarily always things that I have thought “Oh! I must keep that a secret and not tell anyone!”  however.  Today I will share a secret though.  One that I’ve had since I started this blog or even the one or two predecessors to this site.

I’m afraid that my writing isn’t good enough and that I won’t achieve what I set out to when I first started writing.  I’m afraid that I won’t be able to express or share the thoughts and experiences and emotions I had when I was coming out.

I definitely have to be level with myself and just say that by not really following through with that goal, I will fail by default.  Pure and simple.  I had a rough start earlier this year which stalled out and died after only a few posts and part of the standstill is this secret fear I’ve held.  Growing up is messy work, coming out is even more difficult.  Combine the two and you get a superfund disaster which, when even I look back on it, makes me cringe and feel critical and criticizing our own work, let alone your own life is ridiculously hard.

Anyhow, that is my secret this week and I may post more or I may not, so there it is.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.

There had been updates to sections of the White House website page concerning the civil rights agenda of the administration.  It had dropped the specific wording referencing the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and efforts to repeal it with a more general phrase stating the administration “opposes a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage”.  There has also been talk about progress in reversing the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policies which bar gay men and women from serving in the military, but people are still being ousted.  Additionally, just days after the Justice Department made a very strong show up support for DOMA, President Obama signed a memorandum extending same-sex benefits to federal employees.  While there were no signs of a dramatic about-face it appeared that the support for the gay community was growing tepid.

Then, on Monday, President Obama and the First Lady hosted an unprecedented reception to celebrate LGBT Pride Month and mark the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots which kick-started the Pride movement.  He delivered a very beautiful speech making it very clear he is still an advocate for the gay community.  Watching it, I was awestruck to see a man elected to office in the face of decades of racial discrimination, standing there in the White House as my president pledging support for me as a gay American and promising to be my champion.  This, only a handful of years after the last president stood in the White House stating, in so many words, that a ban on gay marriage was the only way to secure the future of our nation from the forces of evil.  Though I am not ready to say, “all is forgiven, obviously this was just some big misunderstanding,” my confidence has been buoyed significantly after hearing his remarks:

Until the last year or so, I’ve not been very politically aware or active.  I’m still not extremely informed, nor do I consider myself very much of an activist.  However, for the first time in my life I have a vested stake in what is happening, these things directly affect me and how I will live my life.  I have never been so frustrated on a personal level with politics as I have regarding DOMA.  The recent ruling from the justice claimed that DOMA is “a cautious policy of federal neutrality towards a new form of marriage,” when in fact it is anything but neutral.  It affects me negatively on personal level as well as having impacts on me professionally.  Every morning for months I have got up in the morning and started my day only to realize with great disappointment that DOMA is still out there.  That I am not equal.  I am not the same.  Even if I were to get married in a state which recognizes me as an equal citizen among my peers, the federal government would not be so kind.

I was growing more and more impatient regarding the seemingly apparent ambivalence toward the gay community recently from the White House and I began writing about my dissatisfaction though I had not yet decided to share these thoughs.  In a way I’m happy I was late to the game because I hate the idea that I might give people who dislike the administration the satisfaction of knowing I was not satisfied.  More than anything though, I’m disappointed that I didn’t take the opportunity to be more vocal.  I feel that it is one of the very few ways I can try and reach out and make more people aware of these situations, to share my determination and my story and try to somehow spur change on my own.

In the future I hope to be more vocal about these things.  I plan to be an advocate for myself and other people like me regarding issues like this.  I realize that I’m just one small voice in a sea of thousands upon thousands of other people both for and against these issues.  But standing silently has even less of an impact than even this tiny effort and right now, every little bit counts.