Category Archives: Being Gay

A Quandry

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In piecing together the events of four years ago for the Surviving Year One series, I’m running aground on two main issues.  The first has to do with bringing it all together.  I originally thought that this would be a simple act of just slapping parts of my writing on the screen and throwing it online which couldn’t be further from the reality I am facing.  I’m up against one of my largest weaknesses, one of the most challenging things for me to do and will do for quite some time…  I must edit my own work.  It’s difficult for me to step back and be just a tiny bit objective about all this information as well as figuring out how to present my writing in the way I envisioned it.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.

A Quandry

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In piecing together the events of four years ago for the Surviving Year One series, I’m running aground on two main issues.  The first has to do with bringing it all together.  I originally thought that this would be a simple act of just slapping parts of my writing on the screen and throwing it online which couldn’t be further from the reality I am facing.  I’m up against one of my largest weaknesses, one of the most challenging things for me to do and will do for quite some time…  I must edit my own work.  It’s difficult for me to step back and be just a tiny bit objective about all this information as well as figuring out how to present my writing in the way I envisioned it.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.

A Quandry

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In piecing together the events of four years ago for the Surviving Year One series, I’m running aground on two main issues.  The first has to do with bringing it all together.  I originally thought that this would be a simple act of just slapping parts of my writing on the screen and throwing it online which couldn’t be further from the reality I am facing.  I’m up against one of my largest weaknesses, one of the most challenging things for me to do and will do for quite some time…  I must edit my own work.  It’s difficult for me to step back and be just a tiny bit objective about all this information as well as figuring out how to present my writing in the way I envisioned it.

I have difficulties with the gaps in the timeline of my journal and how to piece together the events and feelings which took place between the different entries entries.  How accurate are my memories of what happened in comparison to the accuracy of what I wrote then?  During this time in my life every event, no matter how small, had a significant imapct on who I am today and I don’t want to mess up anything crucial.  In many ways I feel like I’m not just telling my own story so much as someone else’s.  I had a voice then, one which I feel is vital to present clearly and honestly as much as possible.

It’s also hard to some things down from the original material.  As I am reading what I wrote, so much of it seems too important to omit.  I’m a little surprised by the quality of some of the observations I made at that time and how they are almost prescient with regard to where I am now.  I’ve learned from myself in a surreal way I never thought possible and I will continue to learn on so many levels as I work through these events.  I don’t want to leave out anything which might help someone who is presently dealing with these issues, revisiting them, or seeking support and common ground.

The second and more difficult problem has to do with the level of sharing.  There are feelings, emotions, thoughts and most importantly interactions with others which I want to share here.  I’m concerned about how these things may impact some of the people in my life.  I once spoke briefly with Heather Armstrong of dooce fame and asked her about how she decides what to share on her site regarding her family and friends.  Her response was quite simple, “I want people to feel good about what they read about themselves on my site.”

I want people to feel good about what I’m writing especially if they are in it however, a lot of this material is going to be fundamentally difficult for some people to read.  It deals with intensely transformative events which took me out of a very safe and established mainstream life and thrust me into a far more vulnerable, challenging and unique one.  My life has gone in directions far beyond what I could have ever imagined and shattered my understanding of my own limits in every way.  I think its safe to say this may also be the case for some of the people who read what I have to say.

I guess it’s important to remember the reasons why I have wanted to write and share all of this.  I was able to draw strength from the experiences of Heather Armstrong and her husband Jon as they dealt with her own mental health issues as I was beginning to hit the wall with my own crippling anxiety and chronic depression.  What they shared was gritty and raw and it was hard to see what they were going though at times, but that was my saving grace.  Their experiences helped me understand and feel that I was not alone when dealing with issues of my own.

I write about coming out with the hope I might be helpful to someone who is dealing with coming out… or someone who is coming to terms with their sexual identity… or people who are trying to gain a better understanding of their own story… or family and friends of people dealing with these issues.  These have been motivational ideas for me since I first began to think of sharing my story.  If just one person can feel less alone or gain some understanding from my successes and failures this will have been all worth it for me.

Additional Hope & Change

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Recently I had been starting to succumb to the spreading lack of faith in government and waning confidence in the Obama administration’s campaign promises of securing equal rights for the LGBT community.  Though it has only been six months since the President has taken office, there were a handful of small signs which made me feel uneasy about the reality of what was going to happen.

There had been updates to sections of the White House website page concerning the civil rights agenda of the administration.  It had dropped the specific wording referencing the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and efforts to repeal it with a more general phrase stating the administration “opposes a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage”.  There has also been talk about progress in reversing the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policies which bar gay men and women from serving in the military, but people are still being ousted.  Additionally, just days after the Justice Department made a very strong show up support for DOMA, President Obama signed a memorandum extending same-sex benefits to federal employees.  While there were no signs of a dramatic about-face it appeared that the support for the gay community was growing tepid.

Then, on Monday, President Obama and the First Lady hosted an unprecedented reception to celebrate LGBT Pride Month and mark the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots which kick-started the Pride movement.  He delivered a very beautiful speech making it very clear he is still an advocate for the gay community.  Watching it, I was awestruck to see a man elected to office in the face of decades of racial discrimination, standing there in the White House as my president pledging support for me as a gay American and promising to be my champion.  This, only a handful of years after the last president stood in the White House stating, in so many words, that a ban on gay marriage was the only way to secure the future of our nation from the forces of evil.  Though I am not ready to say, “all is forgiven, obviously this was just some big misunderstanding,” my confidence has been buoyed significantly after hearing his remarks:

Until the last year or so, I’ve not been very politically aware or active.  I’m still not extremely informed, nor do I consider myself very much of an activist.  However, for the first time in my life I have a vested stake in what is happening, these things directly affect me and how I will live my life.  I have never been so frustrated on a personal level with politics as I have regarding DOMA.  The recent ruling from the justice claimed that DOMA is “a cautious policy of federal neutrality towards a new form of marriage,” when in fact it is anything but neutral.  It affects me negatively on personal level as well as having impacts on me professionally.  Every morning for months I have got up in the morning and started my day only to realize with great disappointment that DOMA is still out there.  That I am not equal.  I am not the same.  Even if I were to get married in a state which recognizes me as an equal citizen among my peers, the federal government would not be so kind.

I was growing more and more impatient regarding the seemingly apparent ambivalence toward the gay community recently from the White House and I began writing about my dissatisfaction though I had not yet decided to share these thoughs.  In a way I’m happy I was late to the game because I hate the idea that I might give people who dislike the administration the satisfaction of knowing I was not satisfied.  More than anything though, I’m disappointed that I didn’t take the opportunity to be more vocal.  I feel that it is one of the very few ways I can try and reach out and make more people aware of these situations, to share my determination and my story and try to somehow spur change on my own.

In the future I hope to be more vocal about these things.  I plan to be an advocate for myself and other people like me regarding issues like this.  I realize that I’m just one small voice in a sea of thousands upon thousands of other people both for and against these issues.  But standing silently has even less of an impact than even this tiny effort and right now, every little bit counts.

Part 2: Realizations

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In the weeks after coming out I slowly started to come to grips with the realities of what I was facing.  My life, which had previously been laid out so clearly, started to lose its focus and it was clear that I would be treading in uncharted territory.  Here is another excerpt from my journal four years ago…

I now suddenly realize that the audience I thought I was writing this for will most likely never exist.  I had been writing this with with children and family in mind.  I had imagined that at some point I would take my journal and print it out and bind it.  I figured it would be something which I would be able to give them and future generations to help them identify with their past.  It’s always seemed to me that we tend to cast our ancestors in a somewhat rosy glow and hoped someone would benefit from a more realistic account.

This is so weird.  I used to think that I could just wake up one day and everything would be normal and I would be able to date, get married and have kids.  But I won’t.  I have spent the last eight years battling these feelings in cluelessness and the last four suppressing the idea of being gay while both were battles which could not be won.  The last two years I’ve been continually telling myself that I was going to go on a mission, wake up from my gay sleep and all would be well in Zion.

Ahem.

Well now that is not going to happen.  I may still go on a mission, but the whole waking up part just isn’t going to happen.  My parents have advised against a mission*.  It seems that gay people are allowed to go on missions in some cases though.  I need to talk to the bishop and find out what his take on this is.  He might just, lovingly, put the kibosh on the whole thing.

I think I have a crush on John.  When I first met him I had feelings which I couldn’t quite explain and I think I still do.  I couldn’t identify them simply because I haven’t ever felt them before.  It’s a lot to take in, so I will just sit here and try to figure this all out.  I know that I am gay, because this sort of thing never occurred when I was ‘straight’…

———

* Young men in the Mormon church generally serve a two-year mission away from home to teach and convert people to the church once they reach the age of 18-19.  At 20 I was past due, though it was not uncommon for people go later.