In the weeks after coming out I slowly started to come to grips with the realities of what I was facing.  My life, which had previously been laid out so clearly, started to lose its focus and it was clear that I would be treading in uncharted territory.  Here is another excerpt from my journal four years ago…

I now suddenly realize that the audience I thought I was writing this for will most likely never exist.  I had been writing this with with children and family in mind.  I had imagined that at some point I would take my journal and print it out and bind it.  I figured it would be something which I would be able to give them and future generations to help them identify with their past.  It’s always seemed to me that we tend to cast our ancestors in a somewhat rosy glow and hoped someone would benefit from a more realistic account.

This is so weird.  I used to think that I could just wake up one day and everything would be normal and I would be able to date, get married and have kids.  But I won’t.  I have spent the last eight years battling these feelings in cluelessness and the last four suppressing the idea of being gay while both were battles which could not be won.  The last two years I’ve been continually telling myself that I was going to go on a mission, wake up from my gay sleep and all would be well in Zion.

Ahem.

Well now that is not going to happen.  I may still go on a mission, but the whole waking up part just isn’t going to happen.  My parents have advised against a mission*.  It seems that gay people are allowed to go on missions in some cases though.  I need to talk to the bishop and find out what his take on this is.  He might just, lovingly, put the kibosh on the whole thing.

I think I have a crush on John.  When I first met him I had feelings which I couldn’t quite explain and I think I still do.  I couldn’t identify them simply because I haven’t ever felt them before.  It’s a lot to take in, so I will just sit here and try to figure this all out.  I know that I am gay, because this sort of thing never occurred when I was ‘straight’…

———

* Young men in the Mormon church generally serve a two-year mission away from home to teach and convert people to the church once they reach the age of 18-19.  At 20 I was past due, though it was not uncommon for people go later.

In the weeks after coming out I slowly started to come to grips with the realities of what I was facing.  My life, which had previously been laid out so clearly, started to lose its focus and it was clear that I would be treading in uncharted territory.  Here is another excerpt from my journal four years ago…

I now suddenly realize that the audience I thought I was writing this for will most likely never exist.  I had been writing this with with children and family in mind.  I had imagined that at some point I would take my journal and print it out and bind it.  I figured it would be something which I would be able to give them and future generations to help them identify with their past.  It’s always seemed to me that we tend to cast our ancestors in a somewhat rosy glow and hoped someone would benefit from a more realistic account.

This is so weird.  I used to think that I could just wake up one day and everything would be normal and I would be able to date, get married and have kids.  But I won’t.  I have spent the last eight years battling these feelings in cluelessness and the last four suppressing the idea of being gay while both were battles which could not be won.  The last two years I’ve been continually telling myself that I was going to go on a mission, wake up from my gay sleep and all would be well in Zion.

Ahem.

Well now that is not going to happen.  I may still go on a mission, but the whole waking up part just isn’t going to happen.  My parents have advised against a mission*.  It seems that gay people are allowed to go on missions in some cases though.  I need to talk to the bishop and find out what his take on this is.  He might just, lovingly, put the kibosh on the whole thing.

I think I have a crush on John.  When I first met him I had feelings which I couldn’t quite explain and I think I still do.  I couldn’t identify them simply because I haven’t ever felt them before.  It’s a lot to take in, so I will just sit here and try to figure this all out.  I know that I am gay, because this sort of thing never occurred when I was ‘straight’…

———

* Young men in the Mormon church generally serve a two-year mission away from home to teach and convert people to the church once they reach the age of 18-19.  At 20 I was past due, though it was not uncommon for people go later.

Four years ago, I finally came to a point in my life where I had to come to grips with my sexuality.  It started with an instant message conversation with a friend about going to college and it took an unexpected twist.  A couple days later, after thinking long and hard about it all I sat down and put it all into words.  I had to parse it out and begin to analyze what was happening before I lost my marbles.  This is an excerpt from my journal where I first acknowledge the issue…

Okay, so yesterday I talked to John via MSN Messenger.  We were discussing this and that, I told him I was looking into going to Utah State University after I joked that I was gay.  Well, he tells me that he is gay.  For real.  Then I had to open my big trap and tell him that I am gay too.  It was a split second sort of thing, but at the same time it wasn’t.

Lets explore this shall we?  I have been battling these feelings since I was eleven or twelve.  As long as I can remember, actually.  I have always felt interest in men more naturally than women.  I have always been this way to the best of my knowledge.  Now we could digress and try to set blame, “it was being raised in a neighborhood without many boys his age…” etc. but that does not really change anything or provide us with anything constructive.

It is my assumption that this is one of those challenges that I checked off on the pre-mortal* clipboard before I came down here.  This is my belief with all of life’s challenges.  What on earth, exactly, I am supposed to do with my homosexuality, is a very hard question to address.  I think, at this point, it is simply enough to have accepted it.

I have talked with several counselors over the past couple years for related issues.  The first one just got out the big rubber ‘Gay’ stamp and conked me on the forehead with it.  Then he really just sat there and tried to sell me on self-medication strategies to distract myself from it.  Yeah…  I can just imagine all of the people who have tried to drown their fears in food.  Not a pretty sight.

The other was very supportive of whoever I wanted to be and things I should do to make myself a happier, better person.  I have always very adamantly denied being gay, but I think that it was just me trying to be un-gay.  I don’t think that being gay is something that cannot be altered or fixed so to speak.  And as with all the classic programs, you simply can’t change unless you have come to accept your predicament.

Well, I am pretty sure I am gay.  This is something I have skirted around for a very, very long time.  But I don’t feel any different now that I have said it.  In fact, I feel just a little miniscule bit of relief or composure now.

What next?

Gay.  What do I do with that?  What do I do with myself now?  Who do I tell and who do I leave guessing?  This is the tough one.  This is the hard question.  This is the one that I don’t think anyone in our society really has nailed (especially in Utah).  For the moment, I will sit on this.  I will just be me for now and work on my spirituallity.  Surely I am not barred from having the spirit and the blessings of the Lord in my life as long as I follow the commandments.  President Hinkley** has stated that numerous times.

I was talking with my friend A this week and I learned something.  We were talking and I mentioned that I did not feel as spiritual as I really felt I should and she offered the simple and elegant response, “If you don’t like something, fix it.”  It has helped me several times already this week and it will be my new motto.

For some odd reason, I feel very centered right now.  I feel like there are a great many things that I can accomplish if I so choose.  Who would have thought.

———

* In Mormon teachings it is believed that we all lived together and were conscious, living entities in a pre-mortal existence.  It was at this time we chose to come to Earth and live our lives here.

** Gordon B Hinkley was the prophet and leader of the Mormon church at the time this journal entry was originally written.

Four years ago, I finally came to a point in my life where I had to come to grips with my sexuality.  It started with an instant message conversation with a friend about going to college and it took an unexpected twist.  A couple days later, after thinking long and hard about it all I sat down and put it all into words.  I had to parse it out and begin to analyze what was happening before I lost my marbles.  This is an excerpt from my journal where I first acknowledge the issue…

Okay, so yesterday I talked to John via MSN Messenger.  We were discussing this and that, I told him I was looking into going to Utah State University after I joked that I was gay.  Well, he tells me that he is gay.  For real.  Then I had to open my big trap and tell him that I am gay too.  It was a split second sort of thing, but at the same time it wasn’t.

Lets explore this shall we?  I have been battling these feelings since I was eleven or twelve.  As long as I can remember, actually.  I have always felt interest in men more naturally than women.  I have always been this way to the best of my knowledge.  Now we could digress and try to set blame, “it was being raised in a neighborhood without many boys his age…” etc. but that does not really change anything or provide us with anything constructive.

It is my assumption that this is one of those challenges that I checked off on the pre-mortal* clipboard before I came down here.  This is my belief with all of life’s challenges.  What on earth, exactly, I am supposed to do with my homosexuality, is a very hard question to address.  I think, at this point, it is simply enough to have accepted it.

I have talked with several counselors over the past couple years for related issues.  The first one just got out the big rubber ‘Gay’ stamp and conked me on the forehead with it.  Then he really just sat there and tried to sell me on self-medication strategies to distract myself from it.  Yeah…  I can just imagine all of the people who have tried to drown their fears in food.  Not a pretty sight.

The other was very supportive of whoever I wanted to be and things I should do to make myself a happier, better person.  I have always very adamantly denied being gay, but I think that it was just me trying to be un-gay.  I don’t think that being gay is something that cannot be altered or fixed so to speak.  And as with all the classic programs, you simply can’t change unless you have come to accept your predicament.

Well, I am pretty sure I am gay.  This is something I have skirted around for a very, very long time.  But I don’t feel any different now that I have said it.  In fact, I feel just a little miniscule bit of relief or composure now.

What next?

Gay.  What do I do with that?  What do I do with myself now?  Who do I tell and who do I leave guessing?  This is the tough one.  This is the hard question.  This is the one that I don’t think anyone in our society really has nailed (especially in Utah).  For the moment, I will sit on this.  I will just be me for now and work on my spirituallity.  Surely I am not barred from having the spirit and the blessings of the Lord in my life as long as I follow the commandments.  President Hinkley** has stated that numerous times.

I was talking with my friend A this week and I learned something.  We were talking and I mentioned that I did not feel as spiritual as I really felt I should and she offered the simple and elegant response, “If you don’t like something, fix it.”  It has helped me several times already this week and it will be my new motto.

For some odd reason, I feel very centered right now.  I feel like there are a great many things that I can accomplish if I so choose.  Who would have thought.

———

* In Mormon teachings it is believed that we all lived together and were conscious, living entities in a pre-mortal existence.  It was at this time we chose to come to Earth and live our lives here.

** Gordon B Hinkley was the prophet and leader of the Mormon church at the time this journal entry was originally written.