This post, oddly enough, isn’t about the interview or the suit so much as a conversation these two things led to.  A coworker asked me how the interview had gone and the conversation touched on how out of place the suit felt which led to some very unexpected and very stirring comments of praise which I was not expecting.  These comments, these very specifically worded comments, were not so much about my performance at work so much as about the person I am.  Now, I don’t know about everyone else, but I tend to thrive on feedback and validation.  I have frequently stated that I am a feedback-based life form.  It is just one of the things that makes me tick.  It may seem weak or strange or any number of things, but feedback – especially positive feedback – really makes me happy.  This particular set of comments were very noteworthy for me though.

This year has been a very tumultuous one.  I’ve left my comfort zone a great deal this year to get out and try new things, meet people and have fun in ways I haven’t tried before.  I was met with a lot of successes and have made some new friends, rejoined with old ones, gained a roommate, and had fun outside of my normal activities and learned a lot.  I was also met with a lot of failures.  I lost a close friendship of mine, I managed to completely lose my nerve and creative drive behind sharing my coming out story, not to mention the fact that this was The Year of a Million First Dates.  The successes have dramatically outweighed what I perceive as failures and really, most of these failures are not failures so much as negative experiences.

I’ve been very careful in not talking about dating here because the last thing anyone needs (including myself) is some god-awful, self-aggrandizing dialogue to pop up here after bad dates which is unflattering for every party involved.  I will, however, take a moment to comment on The Year of a Million First Dates.  This year I went on numerous first dates, almost all of which I considered to be very good dates with very promising people.

The problem is that in spite of the fact the other people involved would claim they also enjoyed the date, they would become very remarkably busy after having a reasonable surplus of time.  Words like “soon” or even “very soon” would be used to describe when they would next be free to go out.  The conversation would then peter and they would generally disappear.  For people who went so far as to set a second date, an overwhelming trend of severe and debilitating stomach disorders kicked in.  It was frustrating at first, then dependable, and ultimately quite humorous.  I can confirm that one person did, in fact, contract a very dangerous and very real case of food poisoning but he was one of two people who made the second date.  Twelve months and only two second dates.

I had been more than willing, almost eager, to try and find fault with myself for all of this.  I very logically turned to the scientific method which would suggest that after so many failures and the one easily identifiable constant variable being myself, I was to blame.  That was the simplest answer I could come up with.  It was either that or being more of a homebody was saving me from getting the widespread radiation poisoning.  (Homebodies FTW!)  This isn’t a very healthy train of logic though.  It’s the kind of thinking that starts to chip away at self-esteem and makes people begin to think very little of themselves.  A couple months ago I determined that there was another simple answer which fit the situation better.  There is something wrong with all of them, or to be more fair, some thing in each of them made them for a bad fit with me.

The people who matter in my life, the friends and people who remain constant and genuine, serve as a constant silent validation that I am a good person.  I am thankful for them every day and relish the opportunities I get to spend time with them and speak to them.  A couple of them give me very direct validation (both for feelings and my parking) when I’m down and need it the most.  But yesterday, unbidden, this relatively new person in my life helped me put all the pieces together.  He complimented me for being me, not compromising that in an attempt please others, and that being me was a good thing…  What an awesome concept, one which can be forgotten all too easily.  One that I must strive to never forget again.

I have had a lot of inspiration and drive to share the events of this period from a lot of different sources.  If it hadn’t been for the amazing writing over at dooce.com by Heather Armstrong, I wouldn’t have had the gumption to open up and deal with the chronic depression and anxiety which I had struggled to cope with for years before and since coming out.  Her writing and example taught me that some of the things we need to talk about are the most difficult and even taboo in our society.  Some problems just don’t disappear by sheer force of will and we have to sit down and be very honest with ourselves and the people close to us about them.  Had I not found her blog in 2003, I don’t think I would be here now.

Another influence was the book “In Quiet Desperation: Understanding The Challenge Of Same-gender Attraction” which I read in the first month when first came out.  This book was an overwhelming non-answer to the millions of questions I had jarring about in my head.  In fact, this book left so many questions open and brought into play so much more self-doubt and fear for me, I nearly committed suicide after getting half way through.  I stopped reading the book at that point so I don’t judge it too harshly as I was not able to gather the full intent from the authors.  I felt strongly that there should be something more constructive, more real and evocative for people to connect with.  Something that shared the more intimate and real thought processes and the mistakes and triumphs of someone as they began to understand their sexuality.

I wanted at that time, more than anything in this universe, was someone I could relate to and not feel so alone.  Someone else who was dealing with the same issues I was dealing with so I could better understand my own situation and be less scared of the unknown as it was stretching out in front of me and consuming the life I has previously come to expect.  My hope is that someone may be helped in any way, large or small, by what I have to share.  I will cover things fairly chronologically, so you will be able to see the evolution of my story and of the person I was at that time.  I will be pulling stuff directly from journal entries, making digests of the notes and writing I have, or I may share thoughts I have regarding things then and now.

Finally, a word of warning.  The content of these posts may be difficult for some people to read.  This is going to cover a lot of ground including things like depression, anxiety, religion, sexuality and personal opinion.  These opinions are my own and will reflect both my current views as well as impressions and views I held four years ago.  It’s important to understand that my motivations are not to persuade anyone of one specific way of thinking or lifestyle or to marginalize anyones beliefs or feelings.  Please feel free to comment as I welcome constructive feedback and questions which I hope to address as time goes on.

Compared to many of my peers, my life is mind-bogglingly craptacular, but I thoroughly enjoy it and have cultivated it not unlike a bonsai tree.  I am not one for the club and/or bar scene as so many people in their twenties, especially in the gay population, seem to be nuts about.  I can listen to my own music at deafening levels and butt-dance in my car whenever I like and drinking at home with friends is so much cheaper and more fun on the whole.  I do go out from time to time and I enjoy myself a lot when I do, but not enough to make it a constant thing.  There are also concerns involved like drinking and driving, what the hell I will wear, and finding people to go with among others.

I generally enjoy reading, going for a drive, eating out, going to movies, going for walks, going shopping, hanging out with friends and other less-than-raucous activities.  I don’t think these things happen exclusively apart from clubbing and bar-going, but I think that for many people they would rather go to the bar or club when given the option.  I have thought a lot about this and wonder what the reasons may be.  I think that for the most part it comes down to a couple major factors.  The first being the comfort which I have in my home.  The second being my self-conscious nature which I still struggle to throw off at times.

I spent a great deal of time this year looking for not just a house, but some place I could call home.  I was very fortunate to find exactly that.  I love being home because it is a safe haven away from the bustle and crowd.  I have a place all my own, not some box butted up against other apartments, where I can live apart from the din of other people’s lives.  At first all the space was daunting and even overwhelming but I’ve worked hard with the house and the space to make it an inviting and welcoming place.  After discovering my own true home it’s easy come home, stay there and be happy.

In spite of a great amount of personal progress and development over the last 4 years since I came out, I still find that I have moments where I am very self-conscious.  The logic of it is easy enough to deconstruct, but the gut impulse behind it is a strong one.  I don’t obsess about what people think of my personality or behavior anymore, nor do I worry endlessly about things I can’t control.  But there is this strong impulse inside of me that mindlessly shouts, “FEAR HOW YOU LOOK!  VAGABOND BEGGARS ARE BETTER PUT TOGETHER THAN YOU!” every time I am about to go out where there will be a number of people or especially other gay men.

It’s ridiculously silly, I know, but hard to stomp out.  I dress well, putting together thoughtful outfits and ensembles which have never lead to someone pointing and openly shouting things like, “HOMELESS,” or, “FUGLY,” at me.  I just think it’s a very primal urge to compare ourselves to others and to look good in front of potential mates, mine happens to be a little too outspoken.  Every year I get better at managing this instinct and I realize that I find myself attracted to people based on many factors, of which appearance is only one.  Everyone else operates in much the same way.

We all have patterns of behavior which are shaped by both positive and negative things.  One of the most important lessons I have learned is that I have to be willing to openly and honestly review these things with myself.  I am happy with my social life right now and am fully aware of the factors that have gone into the choices which shape my behavior.  If I don’t analyze my life and carefully look at what I am doing and why, I run the risk of denying myself opportunities to grow and live a happier, more fulfilling life.