Seconds after taking this picture, the very young manager of Pier 1 came over to see what I was so amused with. He smiled wanly, obviously assessing damage, wondering how long it had been there, and debating whether it should be fixed immediately or if it could wait. Five seconds later he was calling associates over and tring to fix the new decorative labels before going to get a wet cloth to finish the job.
I should be busy working on Very Important things, but I had to take a small break and write a bit. This will be my brief check-in here for the next little while. Lately, as I have been spending so much time on this project, I’ve found myself drifting off into thought. This is one of my more horribly nasty habits which plagues me when I should be working on important things. I get lost in thought and have to re-trace my steps to where I left off.
I have realized over the last while that I have utterly no clue what I want in life. Yes, I know of many things that I want or activities which I would like to do, but I don’t have a clue as to what I want of myself or my experience in the long-term. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking there is a distinction between the two because our lives are ultimately the sum of our smaller experiences and achievements. It just seems to me that having a larger overarching goal, or at least direction, would be useful when weighing out choices or decisions.
Part of this mindset probably has something to do with having been raised as a Mormon in the Utah culture. My existence from now through eternity was clearly mapped out. When I was part of the church I didn’t just have a life-goal, I had an eternal game plan. At the time I parted ways with the church, the rest of my eternal existence was looking something like this:
Yeah, there would be smaller varibles along the way which would have been up to me, but the goals and milestones were set out clear as day. I’m not passing judgement on this plan, nor am I stating that it is a 100% accurate representation of what all Mormons see as their plan. That just seemed to be the jist of how things were to go down for me.
I made peace with my parting from that path years ago and in the years since, I’ve been so very busy with some of my immediate goals that I was really passionate about. I bought my home, I’ve worked hard at my job, I’ve built a solid circle of friends whom I love dearly, and I’ve learned a ton about myself and my capabilities. These goals and achievements were inspired by needs and situations which arose from my life organically. These were also very complex tasks, some of which are ongoing, which really occupied the bulk of my time and thought.
I’m now at a point where I’ve accomplished a lot of the meat of these goals and I find myself at a certain point in my journey. It’s not what I would call a crossroads so much as an alluvial plain. I chose a rushing river, jumped in with my kayak and navigated the rapids and cataracts and now I’ve emerged from the tight canyon walls and rushing waters into the flatlands. (No I don’t kayak and yes, that even made me a little ill.)
Along the way I forged some really solid guiding principles but they do not really constitute a solid direction or heading. They will do well to keep me out of trouble, but won’t provide a destination. For now I will have to content myself with staying out of trouble (which I am more than thrilled to do). I think my next big task will be the one of chosing what I do next and keeping myself in motion. I am amused by the irony of this choice; my next big goal is to determine what my next big goal will be. I don’t doubt that as with all things in my life, it turns out to be significantly different than anything I could expect at this point in time.
My Caesar salad at lunch. Even now, the Ides of March do not bode well for him.
A delightful restaurant in downtown Salt Lake City. Mister Frisky approved!
Tomorrow I will be 25 years old. It’s kind of shocking to me because in some ways it feels like it has been much longer than that. The last four and a half years alone have been so full they could fill 25 years on their own. At the same time that timeframe is the primary context in which I see my life, so it doesn’t feel like I am very old at all.
My life pretty much rebooted four and a half years ago when I came out and the events which took place over those first months left me in a state where I had to start my life over from scratch. I had almost literally nothing. My car was totaled, I had no job or money, I was living in a new and unfamiliar place, and I felt very much alone in this world. All I really had were my laptop, cell phone and a month of rent paid up front. This was the beginning of my very literal renaissance, my rebirth.
Four and a half years later I have a lovely home that is my very own. I have a great job which I’m now beginning to see as a career. I have a reliable car which is something I’ll never take for granted. I have good friends who I love dearly and have been there for me more times than I can count. All of this adds up to make my full and satisfying life which, in many ways, is still just getting started.
Tomorrow I will be 25 years old and as implausible and extraordinary as that seems to me, taken in the context of my implausible and extraordinary life, I suppose it makes sense.