Category Archives: Musings

This Kind of Moment…

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To be used in a context similar to, “I was having this kind of moment where I realized…”

I think we all have these moments where we pause and take stock in the larger picture, kind of mentally look up from the tasks at hand and take a look around.  In these moments and realize one of two things, either, “Wow, I’m a bit lost as to how the hell I got here or how to get away from here as fast as possible, but I need to start doing that.”  Or there is a flash of, “I’m really happy with how things are going.  I hadn’t stopped to notice, but things really are really going well and I think I can see some reasons why.”

I had one of the latter experiences recently and it was this moment of zen where I realized that things are going well.  I’m fairly content with much of what is happening in my life and where things are going.  Over the past handful years I’ve done a lot of growing and learning about myself.  Learning generally stems from challenging what you think.  Many challenges are presented when life seems to be an unending shitstorm… with extra shit.  But last year in particular has been different.  I took a much more active stance in how I deal with stress, decisions, other people and most importantly, myself.

My goal is to have more moments with myself, good or bad, to come up for air and get my bearings.  It’s silly to look back on the past year and think, I’ve been doing pretty damn well but never really saw it till now.  Not to say I didn’t enjoy the year and that I grew and learned and all that jazz.  It would have just provided me a little more perspective had I done better at checking in on myself and taking stock.  Being self-aware is one of the really great perks of being human, it’s just something to keep in mind before blundering along and not taking a moment to pause and think about something.

Back In Action!

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Well the holiday season has come and is on its way out the door, and I couldn’t be more thankful.  I have neglected my largely unobserved duties around here and am happy to be back.  I enjoy the opportunity to spend more time with family and friends, but it seems like thats all I was doing for a while and I am happy to be getting back to my boring old life.

Compared to many of my peers, my life is mind-bogglingly craptacular, but I thoroughly enjoy it and have cultivated it not unlike a bonsai tree.  I am not one for the club and/or bar scene as so many people in their twenties, especially in the gay population, seem to be nuts about.  I can listen to my own music at deafening levels and butt-dance in my car whenever I like and drinking at home with friends is so much cheaper and more fun on the whole.  I do go out from time to time and I enjoy myself a lot when I do, but not enough to make it a constant thing.  There are also concerns involved like drinking and driving, what the hell I will wear, and finding people to go with among others.

I generally enjoy reading, going for a drive, eating out, going to movies, going for walks, going shopping, hanging out with friends and other less-than-raucous activities.  I don’t think these things happen exclusively apart from clubbing and bar-going, but I think that for many people they would rather go to the bar or club when given the option.  I have thought a lot about this and wonder what the reasons may be.  I think that for the most part it comes down to a couple major factors.  The first being the comfort which I have in my home.  The second being my self-conscious nature which I still struggle to throw off at times.

I spent a great deal of time this year looking for not just a house, but some place I could call home.  I was very fortunate to find exactly that.  I love being home because it is a safe haven away from the bustle and crowd.  I have a place all my own, not some box butted up against other apartments, where I can live apart from the din of other people’s lives.  At first all the space was daunting and even overwhelming but I’ve worked hard with the house and the space to make it an inviting and welcoming place.  After discovering my own true home it’s easy come home, stay there and be happy.

In spite of a great amount of personal progress and development over the last 4 years since I came out, I still find that I have moments where I am very self-conscious.  The logic of it is easy enough to deconstruct, but the gut impulse behind it is a strong one.  I don’t obsess about what people think of my personality or behavior anymore, nor do I worry endlessly about things I can’t control.  But there is this strong impulse inside of me that mindlessly shouts, “FEAR HOW YOU LOOK!  VAGABOND BEGGARS ARE BETTER PUT TOGETHER THAN YOU!” every time I am about to go out where there will be a number of people or especially other gay men.

It’s ridiculously silly, I know, but hard to stomp out.  I dress well, putting together thoughtful outfits and ensembles which have never lead to someone pointing and openly shouting things like, “HOMELESS,” or, “FUGLY,” at me.  I just think it’s a very primal urge to compare ourselves to others and to look good in front of potential mates, mine happens to be a little too outspoken.  Every year I get better at managing this instinct and I realize that I find myself attracted to people based on many factors, of which appearance is only one.  Everyone else operates in much the same way.

We all have patterns of behavior which are shaped by both positive and negative things.  One of the most important lessons I have learned is that I have to be willing to openly and honestly review these things with myself.  I am happy with my social life right now and am fully aware of the factors that have gone into the choices which shape my behavior.  If I don’t analyze my life and carefully look at what I am doing and why, I run the risk of denying myself opportunities to grow and live a happier, more fulfilling life.

Silence

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I have music piped all through my home, all interconnected to my computer so that it can follow me wherever I go.  I serve it up to any room(s) I choose and I can even control it from my phone.  I think that its probably one of the technological marvels in my life I appreciate the most.  Yet I am still left in silence when I don’t turn anything on…

One of the major reasons I have an iPhone is because it gives me something to listen to pretty much anywhere I am, but for some reason when I’m home I forget.  I love music to death but I think my ADD is a major contributor to this problem.  I will be running from project to project and forget to put something on in between.  Or I will stop and hear the silence when I’m doing things but I can’t bring myself to sacrifice the tenuous grasp I have on my current train of thought to do something about it.  

Music is helpful to me in many ways.  It helps me keep time, subconsciously as I go through each album.  When I clean I like something with a beat to keep me motivated and active, something I can bounce to while I do the laundry like Kaskade [iTunes].  I like songs that I can dance to while I dodge the Roomba and wash the dishes like Bitter:Sweet [iTunes].  In fact, I listen something with a beat pretty much all the time.  It keeps me going and gives me something I can latch on to without thinking too hard about the lyrics.

But, there are times when I don’t want clubby thumps, martini-bar cool riffs, or even my indie rock, but something a little introspective.  Something that is simple yet kind of complex depending on how much I have running through my head.  In these moments I turn to albums from Sigur Rös [iTunes], Hurricane [iTunes], or even some BT [iTunes].  Definitely not music for everyone.  Other albums from roughly the same line are a bit too far out there for me such as Brian Eno’s Music for Airports.

In a way I think of it like arranging the score for my life.  I’m not in full swing at every moment.  Sometimes there are quiet scenes where I’m sitting there staring into the corner thinking over something trivial/important and I want music that sounds like I’m having the epiphany I’m hoping for.  Other times I may be sad or discouraged and I’ll want something soulful that I’m not going to over-analyze, tinged with hope or a smattering of brightness or calm.  I feed off my music and it’s like an appendage or some external lobe of my brain that my emotions key into.

I learned long ago, and I seem to re-learn from time to time that I have to be careful when picking my music.  I have found that I can amplify melancholy, anger, or despair just as much as I can excitement, happiness, or playfulness.  But just as much as I can amplify a bad mood, I can undermine it with some peppy music as well.  So as much as I arrange the score for my life, I can also play mechanic using the sounds to help keep things in check.

I just have thought about this today.  I came home from work with the intention of reading and have only been able to do so fitfully.  When reading, it seems that silence is exactly what I need so I can become fully engrossed in the story.  But after thinking about it, I realized that with nothing better going on, I sit in silence at home more than I realize.  There is a lot of silence in my home as that is one of the dangers of living alone, but when I remember or have the attention span to take action I fill my space with the sounds that help me just be.

Hope & Change

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I can’t begin to describe the elation and excitement that I have experienced in the last few days.  Barack Obama won the presidential election.  Let me rephrase that…  BARACK OBAMA WON THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!  *ahem* Sorry let me compose myself…

This man won the hearts of the many in this nation and has won their votes and confidence to make him the president-elect.  He has had the audacity to use the word ‘Hope’ in the deepest sense of the word, reaching out to us as citizens and asking, challenging, and inspiring us to have hope for a better world.  On a gut level, he asked us to have hope that our desires for better could be more than a fleeting figment in the face of the fear and doubt that we have had for so many years.  Hope that we may see our country once more as a “shining city upon a hill”.

He backed that sentiment up with the promise of change.  Change that he would help catalyze using the power of the presidency as well as his intellect for the nation.  Change which we as a people could more than hope for, but make for ourselves.  His very election being the first of many notable and dramatic changes that show we are so much more than a herd of panicked sheep.  For the first time in many years I feel emboldened to try and bring about constructive changes in my sphere of influence to help my community.

I look forward to seeing what this new future set before us has in store.  We will have so many opportunities to grow as individuals and as a nation.  I hope to see an increase in classic American can-do attitude, to see people not shrink from a fight for what they need or want.  I hope to see a future where we are all united in a new push to help ourselves, our neighbors, and our country.

Reading over the sentiment expressed above it’s hard not to feel like it is somewhat over the top and very sappy.  But it very much represents the sheer vastness of the excitement I feel for the future.  I realize that, though I very much enjoy Barack Obama and feel confident in him as a leader, mistakes will most certainly be made.  Hopefully they will be small, but there will be mistakes.  I know that this new president will be met with doubt, fear, cynicism and  mistrust from many people, I just hope in time that they will be able to see a small glimpse of the vision I see here.  I am excited to see what will come and to see how much hope and change the actions of this new administration are able to bring about.  I have hope that there will be great changes to help bring us back around to the America I  grew up learning about from textbooks and was excited to be citizen of.

From Footage of a McCain Rally…

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McCain Supporter:   “He’s not, he’s not, he’s a…. ummm…. he’s an Arab!  He’s not…”

McCain:  *begins to shake his head, takes microphone* “No ma’am.”

McCain Supporter:   “No?”

McCain:   “No ma’am.  No ma’am.  He’s a decent, family man citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues.”

—–

I know this is old news for most of us but I was reminded of this incident today.  I was shocked at the astounding ignorance on multiple levels behind that woman’s logic.  It was so very sad to hear the word “Arab” used in such a fearful and derogatory tone.  It was also frustrating to hear someone so blindly convinced that Barack Obama is an Arab.  He is a US citizen.  Duh.  You have to be a native born citizen in order to even run for president.  Now granted, that last tidbit may be a little obscure for some people but seriously, how stupid can someone be?

I think that in spite of my own disagreements with McCain on fundamental issues, I have to give the man props for standing up to this statement.  Yes, it was necessary in order save face on many levels.  But for McCain to stand up against that means he is standing up against the blind fear and motivation of many of the people who are voting for him.  I grow increasingly frustrated with this demographic and its seemingly endless, staunch support of the Republican party without independent, critical thought.  It also frustrates me how the mainstream Republican dialog seems to tolerate or even foster these blind fears and ignorance.

Now, no political figure in this world can say they have never neutered their own dialogue to appeal to or prevent irritating some of their more extreme constituents.  This happens in every party, in every country, and in every election.  I just wish that my fellow citizens, every last one of them, would use the disappearing art of critical thinking to turn each issue and each candidate over in their minds before blindly throwing their energies behind them.  I have thought long and hard about these candidates and their platforms in a way that I never have before.  I have even worked to learn more about past elections through the 20th century and the issues at stake and the candidates involved to gain perspective on this current one.

We are faced with the most important election of our time.  Just as every voter has been faced with the most important election of their own time every four years for the past several hundred years.  With the issues at hand here and now, I have personally found that Barack Obama better represents my own personal ideas of what a president should be and how a president should use that office to govern and influence the lives of this nation and, in turn, the world.  I was skeptical just months ago about even voting.  As a Utahn I realize the best I can do is to try and give this state a subtle tinge of maroon as it is definitely a “red” state through and through.  But every vote counts, either way.  It’s important that we all use our voices and work toward a better future for all of us.  Some people will find that McCain will best represent them in bringing that better future closer.  For others, like myself, Barack Obama is the key to both immediate and long term success as well as the revitalization of this nation.