Category Archives: Old Site

Going Way Back

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I’m migrating posts from my previous blog which served as the inspiration to really pretend to have real blog.  Ha!  I am adding them in with correct chronological dates so though the posts are new, they are back in the archives.  This is to satisfy that very OCD part of my personality which would not allow this to happen any other way.  In order to make it easier, I’m putting links to them here.

When Actually…   2 January 2008

Weaknesses   12 November 2007  Personal Favorite

NaBloPoMo   2 November 2007

Resurgence   16 September 2007 

More to come…

Brightest Bulb

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In the immortal words of Jacobim Mugatu, “TODD! are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte!!”

I had, in past, only ever briefly made a mental connection between certain body functions and the consumption of specific kinds of foods. I had never really connected the dots between feeling a little extra pressure in the belly region and consuming quantities of dairy products. Not until this evening. I had consumed, in a fit reckless abandon and in violation of every one of my new rules for food consumption, an enormous latte… Not just any enormous latte, mind you! My second latte of the day, my favorite latte in the world, the iced caramel macchiato.

I was hanging out with a friend this evening and we stopped by the local coffee place for some refreshing beverages. I had previously allowed myself a very rare “venti” caramel macchiato earlier in the day when I was on the verge of being seriously un-cool at work and needed a little pep. I figured that a second round would not do any harm, as a very rare exception to my generally well-portioned eating habits. I was wrong.

My lovely coffee creation was light on actual coffee and heavy on the whole milk, which I had blithely requested. Just a couple hours later, I found myself doubled over on the floor of my kitchen experiencing some of the most acute gastrointestinal drama I have ever witnessed outside of food poisoning. I very shortly saw my guest out and proceeded to wish that I could just die of embarrassment and end the multiple levels of suffering I was experiencing. After a quick game of connect the dots, an extended trip to the loo, and a quick visit to wikipedia to confirm my findings, I realize that I’m lactose intolerant.

It’s astounding what amazing learning experiences we can have at any age, especially at the expense of any shred of dignity we may have had. And rather than pretend that it didn’t happen and wish that I could silently will this memory into non-existence I have chosen to share it with the universe. Why? Because humor is the best medicine.

It’s always less humiliating when you trip in public and smile and laugh it off, its more easily forgotten and lost in the mundane details of life. Allowing myself the luxury of privately mulling it over and obsessing about the embarrassing details would only serve to further kill whatever sense of dignity I had left. One of the key elements of becoming a classier person is to learn to roll with the punches and take them in stride. Some people may disagree with the strangely public nature of this stride, but I find it oddly therapeutic to get this one out in the open.

When Actually…

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I don’t date much.  By “much” I mean “unless the European Union Commission of Dating and Quasi-dating Related Activities lumbers in the direction of passing a resolution on the matter”.  The reasons behind this are twofold, possibly.  The first reason being that I’m really shy and intimidated by the thought of asking someone else out.  Yes, I am completely chicken-shit when it comes to this prospect.  The second reason is that I don’t get asked, which could stem from any number of complex reasons we may or may not talk about that at some future time.

Contrary to this trend, I was asked recently to “hang out”, the modern non-date date sort of affair with someone I found very suitable.  We hung out a number of times and it was very low-key and very nice to have the chance to get to know someone new with the possible lingering prospect for romance…  They put the moves on me to get things started.  They subsequently and abruptly terminated it.

Some reasons were given but it didn’t change the fact that it was over and that it sucked.  Its been a long time since I’ve opened up to someone.  It generally leads to getting hurt.  In fact, to the analysts of the glass half-empty persuasion, it will always lead to hurt and pain of some sort.  Even in a steady, committed relationship there will be moments where that openness will leave us vulnerable to intentional/accidental injury.  But to the glass half-full people it means that at some point, or even multiple points, we will have the opportunity for greater happiness and fulfillment.

Now I’m not one of those annoyingly chipper sort of people, always happy to gloss over the negative aspects of this life, but I am an idealistic pragmatist.  I understand that there will be heartache, it’s a fact of life.  But there are very direct, observable, proven cases where people are happier as a result of this risk or openness.  Some people may claim to be closed to the idea of opening their hearts again, when actually they do it all the time.  They will make friends, either with people, or the 1900 cats they will adopt when they shun all human contact.  That small emotional bond we create with people, places or things is a point of potential weakness  However, even in its most basic form, it is first and foremost a source of fulfillment, happiness, or security.

Sometimes people panic and reach for the fire alarm when things are going great.  They do it on both in-valid and valid grounds.  They do it for selfish and selfless reasons.  Bust mostly, I think people just get scared when standing in the realm of dating, mating and love.  Everyone has done this, or had it done to them at some point, I’ve been guilty of it myself in the past.  The important take-home message is that we have to get out there and try.  We have to get up and try again because its worth it at some point, be that the final destination or at stops in-between.  Besides, feeding 1900 cats is expensive enough, let alone the cat litter.

Weaknesses

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So I’ve decided to share with all of you one of my deepest and most embarrassing weaknesses today.  This is something that has brought me much frustration and shame over the years and is something that can be hard for me to talk about.  This is something that most people have no problems with at all and I very frequently feel alone and isolated with this problem that I have.  So here goes.

I HAVE SERIOUS DIFFICULTY USING MAJOR APPLIANCES.

There, I’ve said it.  It’s really hard for me because i’ve a very intelligent person.  I passed AP physics in high school (I mention that because its pretty much the geekiest thing I can think of).  I can code basic HTML.  I can whip up a lean, mean Excel spreadsheet that will automate the socks off your budget.  I can reprogram cellular phones to do tricks and sit up and beg.  But god help me if I need to re-heat a bowl of soup in the microwave.

Back in the day, ovens and microwaves and all of these great, mighty appliances, were simple affairs with a knob.  For example, I need to re-heat ANYTHING in the microwave back in the day I could just turn the knob to that golden spot in-between the two and three minute marks and voila! I’ve just reheated pizza, or cooked a frozen turkey.  It always just worked right there.  But now, its like I need a PhD in Button Pushing-ology to be able to do anything.  I’m reduced to pressing that one button that makes it turn on for 30 seconds at a time and testing whatever inside for the right done-ness.

Let us also not forget the disaster that inevitably happens each time I try using one of these new ovens with the push buttons.  Because apparently I’m not intelligent enough to decipher the difference between “Cook Timer” and “Timer Cook”.  Every time I try to use the oven at a friend’s house or wherever these new ovens live I end up making the damned thing very cross with me.  The range starts beeping at me in a degrading manner, insisting I get someone over to help me out before i accidentally launch nuclear arms at an unsuspecting country.

I’m all about the super-modern kitchen.  I love gadgets and stainless steel everything and enough watts and btus of energy to incinerate small planets.  But for whatever reason, I’m reduced to the IQ of Malibu Barbie whenever I’m left alone with any sort of modern kitchen installation.  I figure that its a very subtle hint from the universe that I should eat out.  One day, I will master the major appliance, I will be able to microwave soup and eat it too.  And when that day comes, there will be no stopping me… from making soup and sandwiches.