I’m a bit of a disaster when it comes to being social. I’ve wanted to say this is an issue with the gay scene, but I honestly don’t think that is fair to he scene or myself. I think I would be just as disastrous were I not gay. I think some of the details would be slightly different, but I just don’t think the situation would be too far removed. I seem capable enough when it comes to chatting and small talk, but when it comes to the big stuff (like swapping numbers and hanging out with nee people) I think it is pretty safe to say that I have no clue what the hell is going on.

Most of the guys I know are great at socializing and making new friends. Scratch that, let us call them acquaintances. They meet new people, gab, chat, swap numbers, hang out, get involved in some light interpersonal drama and all is well in the universe. It seems like most of these connections are somewhat fleeting or lightweight though. While most people seem to water ski or snorkel through the social scene I tend to end up in diving bells way out at sea. It’s rare for me to find or make a new friend but when I do, they are almost always golden and part of my family. This has it’s advantages, lots and lots of them. And, though it is not a disadvantage to be able to forge such lasting bonds, I think it is possible I might be missing out on opportunities with people who are not quite as intense/neurotic/bizarre.

So let’s talk about contributing factors, shall we? Lets throw the two biggies right out there: I am retardedly insecure and I have trust issues. Hmm… it’s no wonder, really, how I could get backed into corners by my own demons of self defeat. I think I do a really good job of getting past them in the opening rounds of exchange, but as I am left to my own devices and my thoughts wander, my internal gaze inevitably falls upon my personal pandora’s box and things go downhill from there.

It really just comes down the qualms we have with various aspects of ourselves which I honestly think we all have deep (or not so deep) inside like weight, style, grooming, presentation, or personality. I think at any given time anyone has had doubts about one or all of these aspects of themselves. I just happen to allow myself to indulge in them quite a bit more often than I should and I don’t really quite know how to stop.

I know I am not alone here, but at the same time it seems like I am the only person who hasn’t figured out how to get past it? I don’t know! Any thoughts? More to come…

I left the Mormon church who’s members are a self-described “peculiar people”. I left to be able to make choices and decisions to more fully realize the person I want to be. I left so that I could enjoy the companionship that staying could not afford me. I find it ironic that I can still very easily described as a “peculiar person”.

I know I am an odd duck. In many ways I relish it, but at times I am at odds with it. (At odds with being odd, har har.) I don’t connect well with most of the gay population that I am aware of. I get along with anyone well enough; but as for establishing a lasting social connection, that’s where things deteriorate quickly. I have a circle of golden friends whom I love, but the process of making new contacts is a freaking mess. Don’t even get me started on dating, that’s another beast all together wherein I am a total spaz at best.

I will always be the first person to acknowledge the fact that I am a headstrong spaz and total dork more often than not. My goal in life is to live with as much honesty, grace and humor as possible as I think those are the qualities I can most benefit from. I do sometimes wonder if that is the best approach or best set of ideals as I never seem to gain much ground in the socialization department. Maybe there is some area which I have yet to recognize or understand. This wouldn’t be the first time.

I guess for now, I will take comfort in knowing that so far I have made a life which I am proud of. I may not understand all of it, and I doubt I ever fully will. My friend-making process, though quite slow and semi-retarded, will continue to work as it has. I carry the hope that at some point, what and who I am will be enough for some special guy who will be willing and want to sweep me off my feet. I really do enjoy and am very happy with where I am at in my life right now, earlier grumblings included. However, finding the Petruchio to my Katherine or Katherine to my Petruchio would be such an exciting adventure.

It has been three years since my last relationship. It may yet be another three years before I find my next. Or it could be thee months, who knows! I just hope that it will happen at some point and that I will be able to recognize it and dive in if and when it does.

I’m behind in just about everything in my life right now because of my work on the Very Big and Important Project. I haven’t been able to do the things I have wanted to do with my friends because I have been spending so much time trying to stay on task with this project and I’m really hoping that they payoff will be worth it should everything work out for the best. This is going to be a less formal post than maybe I have been sharing recently as I have come to recognize the fact that I have been self-censoring a lot lately. A. LOT.

I haven’t been very up front with myself about a lot of things and the other day I sat down to get some work done on The Project and I started writing a down some points on what I wanted to accomplish. I do this when I’m having a mental block and low on inspiration or direction. The writing didn’t stay on topic for long and I ended up writing a ton of crap which came completely out of left field. Some of this stuff was very striking as it was on a couple subjects in my personal life I wasn’t wanting to acknowledge or had been avoiding. I realized it had been a very long time since I had written as candidly as that even for myself.

I am returning my iMac this week. That has turned out to be somewhat of a severely disappointing situation and I will say this to you, my gentle readers, and to any people random search engines throw my way:

The current revision of the iMac line (the late 2009 revision) is not to be purchased lightly. Do not buy one of these machines casually and expect for everything to be great. Though they are the most beautiful and refined desktop computers ever crafted in history in terms of design, their internals are the rotted spawn of satan.

Here are the issues I had with mine when I first received it:

• Yellow/jaundiced screen
• Extended boot times
• Failure to start from external drive
• Inconsistent wireless networking

I dropped it off at my local Apple Store on a Friday and received some awesome, top-notch assistance in reviewing the problems. I never heard back from the Apple Store. The next Thursday I called and was informed it had been ready for several days already and that they were unsuccessful in reaching me to let me know. I was irritated by that as the ONE feature I have come to find reliable from AT&T is the voice messaging system. I would know because I get more voice messages than I do successful phone calls. I went in to pick up the accursed machine on Friday after work and received excellent assistance from the people in the store.

The problems started when I got to my car. I noticed that the stand for the machine seemed a little scuffed up, but it looked like this was not permanent. I got it home and found that the new LCD panel they installed was still yellowed and to my dismay there were now dust and smudges in-between the outer glass and the LCD panel itself. At this point I was getting wary and was giving the machine a lot more scrutiny and I found that the glass on the display hadn’t been mounted correctly, leaving it skewed and off center and that the aluminum casing had been scuffed and damaged in several locations on the corners. It was at this point that I became furious.

It was irritating that I got a machine which was not in working order. It perturbed me to take the iMac in for repair less than 72 hours after I took receipt of it. It irked that the repair personnel didn’t bother to call and then lied about it. I was now mad that the display still was not fixed, infuriated that the repair personnel didn’t bother to complete the repair properly, and incensed that the manner in which they handled my computer SCRAPED AND GOUGED THE SOLID ALUMINUM CASE!

Dear person(s) responsible for the piss-poor work on my iMac,

If I ever meet you I may feel the need to scrape and gouge your face with the same force it took you to mar SOLID ALUMINUM. Alternatively I may feel inclined put contacts in your eyes containing dust, fibers and fingerprints. When you break something while doing your job, you report it and take corrective action. That was a dick move and karma will kick your ass up around your ears for being a douche.

XOXO,
Eli

I called Apple the next morning and very politely informed them that I was having problems and to see what could be done for the situation The guy on the phone was nice enough but clearly not listening as he kept trying to have me describe where on my laptop the damage was. I had to explain and then re-explain several times that I was using an iMac. He kept speaking over me trying to pawn me back off on the Apple Store. I had to stop him and just lay it all out and the more I talked about it the more upset I was beginning to feel about the situation.

I did not just spend my own hard-earned cash to buy an expensive new computer just to become Apple’s bitch and jump through hoops to somehow magically earn a fully-functional computer. That is not how this business/customer relationship works. You ship me a shit product, you make it go away. I very politely informed him that I was done and that I wanted to return the machine, the end. He woke up from autopilot, stopped feeding me crap lines and shut up for a moment and got me in touch with a product specialist who had his shit together.

I was informed that they wanted to “capture this unit for technical analysis and review” which sounds fancy. I gently informed him that I don’t care what they do with it, I just no longer want to see this stupid crap machine in my home anymore. He offered to replace the computer with a brand new one and I agreed. As sick to death of this whole process as I may be, I still need a new computer and I’m not yet at the point where I’m willing to spend any amount of money on a PC as a primary computing device.

At this point in time I’m now waiting for magical things to happen inside the walls of Apple so that my iMac is taken away and a new one is custom configured and shipped to me directly. If this new one is not in good order there will be much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. As it is, I’m really hoping that Apple will be kind enough to provide me with AppleCare as a result of all this crap to cover the new iMac once it arrives. Considering how much effort has gone into it so far, I think it would be the least they could do.

I hate this type of post, but I feel compelled to share and explain myself.  I’m in flux at the moment.  I’m evacuating from my MacBook as we speak because I have sold it to make way for an iMac.  I’ve needed a new computer for a while and I’ve made my MacBook last me well over three years.  I need a bright, shiny new display for photo editing and possible some “fun“.  Therefore my access to a useful computer has been cut dramatically.

Additionally, I have a Very Big & Important Thing which I’m working on for work.  It’s very BIG and VERY important.  Because I don’t talk about my work for a vast multitude of reasons, I’m not able to go into much detail other than it’s consuming a very large amount of my time.  I’ve handled a similar Thing for work in the past which basically took 80 hours a week for over the course of more than a month to take care of, though this time around it’s not been quite so rough (so far *knocks on wood*).  This Very Big & Important Thing will take up a lot of my time through mid-late April.  Very Good things could happen as a result of this going well, but nothing is set in stone.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m going to be a slacker here for a bit.  The Hulett Plumbing Disaster will be concluded this week, I swear upon my iPhone that it will be done.

Blerg.