Every November I try posting all month. Made it longer this month than before. Still I will try to keep it up the rest of the month.

Sorry this shit isn’t as introspective or intelligent as my normal fare, but that takes a lot of time and energy. As a result, it almost never gets done. So I’m going to pepper in some coarse off-the-cuff stuff more often. Besides, heavy servings can really weigh you down.

My mood has been much improved today. I can’t even believe how much better I feel compared to last week. Last week, I felt as though I was slipping further into the grips of depression but the tide appears to have turned. I wish I could say what the ultimate catalyst was to get me back on my feet, that seems to remain a mystery. What I do know is that I’m very thankful for my friends who helped me through this with their support and just by being around. Good friends have always been the most important aspect in helping me deal with depression.

I find that as I come back to the surface I have to get my house back in order, quite literally as it so happens. Every time this happens the chores seem to slip day by day until the piles of laundry have reached the ceiling and the dishes are stacked next to the sink instead of in the cupboard. Part of me finds it frustrating to have to catch up like this, but at the same time I find it’s also very therapeutic to dig myself out of the pit and get back to having a normal life.

It was was a good day today. I didn’t really do much of anything, I just sat at home. In fact, I slept in until probably noon. I really needed it. After I got up I spent some time watching television and then I went out for dinner which had been previously been arranged. I felt bad because I received an invitation to go spend time with some friends who were working on a project. I declined to take them up on it, because it just wasn’t feeling up for it.

So far this weekend has proven to be exactly what I needed to be, a time of rest. Tomorrow if I’m feeling industrious I may just decide to tackle the dishes in the kitchen or the laundry or any number of other disasters that are currently present in my home. I find keeping a clean house really helps improve my state of mind, and everyone knows I could use much of that as I can get.

Wrapped up a long week by having some drinks and food with friends. That lifted my spirits a great deal.

I have bought a ton of clothes lately – A TON – and it’s been expensive, though I did it while telling myself it’s okay because I’m good at rationalizing shit. Reasons like, “It’s necessary due to wardrobe attrition,” or, “Everything I am buying are classic wardrobe staples,” and, “I got everything on sale!” (BTW, when I buy something on sale it’s a good fucking sale because I inherited my grandmother’s power shopping genes). I was telling all of this to a friend of mine tonight, feeling somewhat sheepish at just how much shopping I have done, and he asked me the most unexpected question.

“How did it make you feel?”

Blink… I responded after being caught off guard, “It made me feel pretty.” This response startled me almost as much as the question because I suddenly had a profound realization.

I have valiantly tried to offset an onslaught of overwhelming apathy/near-depression for the last month or more. One of the things that has legitimately helped has been adding to my new wardrobe. Because it makes me feel pretty. Fashion isn’t something engineered to make us feel bad about ourselves. Sometimes it can feel that way as a result of seeing advertising for fashion, but I see it as something far better. I feel empowered by fashion. Exercising this empowerment over the last month or so has been the one thing keeping me afloat.

I didn’t really piece all this together until tonight. The friend I was talking to is a stylist and was meticulously snipping away at my hair as we talked. I had decided last weekend that I was sick of not being happy with my hair. I wanted to be empowered by it, not held hostage by it. So I decided that Great Clips can go fuck itself after the last two weed whacker specials they did on my coif and I hit up my friend. I wanted to take control of my hair and though I had never thought of having him do it, I knew he would be perfect for the job.

I’m not entirely thrilled with some aspects of my life right now for one reason or another. Some of the reasons are rational and some are the product of my wonky mind, but the effect they have on my quality of life is very real. I stumbled into this creative, semi self-medicating, empowering outlet of clothes shopping quite by accident and those same qualities fueled the cravings that kept me at it. It was a far less conscious drive than the choice I made about my hair, but it was exactly the same thing. I wanted to be in control of something in my life in a constructive manner that would also make me feel better about me. Was I less than totally financially prudent in how far I let it go? Yes. Am I glad I did it? Absolutely.

The moral of this story is that I’ve learned a bit more about myself and made some solid wardrobe investments… Most importantly, I feel pretty, which makes a world of difference in how I feel about my world in general.