One of the less thrilling aspects of dealing with mental wonkiness is the fact that changing any of the tiniest elements of your state of mind can yield incredibly large changes in how you think and feel. This is a double edged sword and can both hurt and help. Even when it helps, there can be unexpected consequences.
Take, for instance, the fact that I am prescribed a mood stabilizer to help even out the more dramatic negative swings in my mental state. I’ve been taking this drug for a year or two now and it has done wonders for me.* I had tried an SSRI off and on over several years which was prescribed with the intent of directly addressing the symptoms of depression and anxiety. This, for me, acted somewhat like a photographic filter which did brighten the mental picture to an extent, but I lost detail and clarity and the image became flat and lifeless.
The mood stabilizer (in tandem with seeing a great therapist as needed) is what did the trick for me. Though I had suffered from chronic depression and crippling anxiety since as long as I could remember, they weren’t so much the cause of the problem as they were symptoms of an inability to course correct when entering a downward spiral. My current crazy pills taken in tandem with seeing a great therapist in the beginning was a winning strategy. Jumping analogies here, it was like putting new tires on the car and getting the steering and alignment checked. I can now drive forward without fighting the wheel or loosing traction when the terrain becomes uncertain.
This is very obviously a GOOD THING.
There was, however, a very unexpected side-effect of this very good change in the flavor of my mental chemical soup. I lost a great deal of creativity. Almost all of it. Seemingly overnight. My writing fell off, my daydreaming and scheming died out, my design projects slowly faded and my photographic vim died and was buried before I realized it had gone. I even stopped reading. STOPPED READING. Those who know me well will understand that is odd considering I grew up in a home where weekly trips to the library were the norm. We were that family at the circulation desk with a milk crate or two full of reading material while the universe queued up behind us. Oh, and that milk crate full of literary goodness? That would last us barely until the next week.
I have always (rightly) resisted saying outright that this was a bad thing. My life has never been better. I’ve never been happier or more content or more positively in control of my life. I am in no way numb or lifeless and I have never been busier socially nor have I had such great in the personal relationships. Ever. So thought it may not have been bad I will say that I found the loss upsetting. So much so that in the beginning I struggled with taking my meds because I felt like I was smothering my creative side which was fueled in large part by my former anxiety and depression. Creativity was an outlet for the frustration, anger, loneliness, and hurt that I felt all the time. The reading was another element of my coping mechanism as it provided form of escape; it was a way to get out of my head for a while.
Recently I have given more thought to all of this and the reality of my “creativity famine” situation which I have more or less accepted for a very long time is far less final and dire than I had made it out to be. Sure, I lost my angstiness which was my former muse, but this was a result of a very positive change in my life. Looking at this constructively (or even creatively!) this is a huge opportunity for even more good change because, though potent catalysts, anxiety and depression are not particularly reliable, positive or safe to have around. I was able to turn out some really great work and some really strong writing (most of which was purely personal) but it was steeped in a less-than-great state of mind and tied to those negative emotions. My output was also no where near consistent and it lacked vision.
I’ve finally taken to heart the idea that creativity is something you can develop. I now strongly and firmly believe that. Some people I know seem to ooze creativity and create content left, right and center (I’m looking at you, Melissa). This can be overwhelmingly intimidating if viewed in the wrong light (i.e., “Woe unto me, for I have smothered my creative side never to be creative again!”) My cousin Melissa is one of the most creative people I have ever known. Period. And though I sometimes find it hard to think this, the reality is that she wouldn’t be nearly as creative or talented as she is now had she not worked at it her entire life.
Other people I know don’t do anything in the way of writing or art or other “creative” activities. They even go so far as to they haven’t a single creative bone in their body. Though that may be true, I have seen them flex hidden creative muscles in unexpected and delightful ways. Like any other muscles, these can be strengthened with use. Like any other skill, the ability to cultivate ideas and translate those into a medium is one that can developed and sharpened.
I am choosing to work at this. I am choosing to kindle my creative spark. I let those muscles atrophy but they are still there waiting to be built up. Now that this journey is under way it is only a matter of time, work and patience that I will overtake my previous efforts and surpass them.
* The science of treating problems relating to brain chemistry, emotional issues and mental illness is still a very young branch of medicine. What works for me, most likely will not work for you in the same way. If you think you may need help, it may be comforting to know that you are not alone and asking for help does not mean you are weak or broken. In the same way you cannot fix bad eyesight by sheer force of will, you cannot fix anxiety or depression on your own either. Get help. The process of finding a treatment or combination of treatments is one that takes careful coordination with medical and mental health professionals as well as time and patience. You can enjoy a better quality of life than you think is possible if you only just reach out for help.
