I should be busy working on Very Important things, but I had to take a small break and write a bit. This will be my brief check-in here for the next little while. Lately, as I have been spending so much time on this project, I’ve found myself drifting off into thought. This is one of my more horribly nasty habits which plagues me when I should be working on important things. I get lost in thought and have to re-trace my steps to where I left off.
I have realized over the last while that I have utterly no clue what I want in life. Yes, I know of many things that I want or activities which I would like to do, but I don’t have a clue as to what I want of myself or my experience in the long-term. Maybe I’m wrong in thinking there is a distinction between the two because our lives are ultimately the sum of our smaller experiences and achievements. It just seems to me that having a larger overarching goal, or at least direction, would be useful when weighing out choices or decisions.
Part of this mindset probably has something to do with having been raised as a Mormon in the Utah culture. My existence from now through eternity was clearly mapped out. When I was part of the church I didn’t just have a life-goal, I had an eternal game plan. At the time I parted ways with the church, the rest of my eternal existence was looking something like this:
- Serve a mission
- Go to college
- Find eternal companion (spouse)
- Have children
- Raise children in the gospel
- Send children on missions and to college
- Serve a mission as a senior couple
- Die
- Be reunited with family in heaven
- Live for eternity in paradise
Yeah, there would be smaller varibles along the way which would have been up to me, but the goals and milestones were set out clear as day. I’m not passing judgement on this plan, nor am I stating that it is a 100% accurate representation of what all Mormons see as their plan. That just seemed to be the jist of how things were to go down for me.
I made peace with my parting from that path years ago and in the years since, I’ve been so very busy with some of my immediate goals that I was really passionate about. I bought my home, I’ve worked hard at my job, I’ve built a solid circle of friends whom I love dearly, and I’ve learned a ton about myself and my capabilities. These goals and achievements were inspired by needs and situations which arose from my life organically. These were also very complex tasks, some of which are ongoing, which really occupied the bulk of my time and thought.
I’m now at a point where I’ve accomplished a lot of the meat of these goals and I find myself at a certain point in my journey. It’s not what I would call a crossroads so much as an alluvial plain. I chose a rushing river, jumped in with my kayak and navigated the rapids and cataracts and now I’ve emerged from the tight canyon walls and rushing waters into the flatlands. (No I don’t kayak and yes, that even made me a little ill.)
Along the way I forged some really solid guiding principles but they do not really constitute a solid direction or heading. They will do well to keep me out of trouble, but won’t provide a destination. For now I will have to content myself with staying out of trouble (which I am more than thrilled to do). I think my next big task will be the one of chosing what I do next and keeping myself in motion. I am amused by the irony of this choice; my next big goal is to determine what my next big goal will be. I don’t doubt that as with all things in my life, it turns out to be significantly different than anything I could expect at this point in time.
