The question is, why am I friends with this person?  The simple answer is that I’m too nice, I am willing to forgive people or let them back in after they have hurt me.  I think it is not necessarily bad to be forgiving or to begin to trust again, but where do you draw the line?  I have a feeling that line exists somewhere in that large, fuzzy grey area that exists in all decision making.

As I have recently come to realize, my personality and mindset aren’t very compatible with grey areas, even the small, precise ones.  I like the black and white, well defined, stark right and wrong answers.  Certain things are just not done while others are the obvious and most correct choice.  Most choices boil down to one correct and true answer and a litany of wrong, more wrong, and wrongest alternatives.

What are the stakes?  Utter destruction, of course!  Make the wrong move and the consequences are cataclysmic, if they aren’t I can generally worry them and grow them in my mind until they are.  Interestingly it works in the opposite way as well.  Generally, if I think I’ve found the one, true answer through my long and tedious weighing process, I can defend it or justify it to the end.  One thing I’m really proud of though, is that I’ve learned and stretched myself over the years to accept criticisms and incorporate them into my thought process.  This means that the correct answer may be tweaked to be even more right, or one of the wrong answers can be reconsidered as a possible right answer.

Interestingly, I can negotiate.  I can generally negotiate pretty well and incorporate what is best for any parties involved.   I work hard to try and completely understand and assimilate the other party’s thought process and work to match up aspects of both sets of desires, feelings or goals to reach a happy medium.  This generally isn’t a matter of being right and wrong though, it’s a matter of mutual accommodation, which is expected of both sides.  If rules are involved, as in the situation of a contract which people are in disagreement over, it can merit a re-evaluation of those rules to determine if they are fair.  I can work with people if they are willing to work with me. 

This even works against me at times.  I recently purchased tickets online to attend a concert at a local venue.  I arrived with friends who had purchased their tickets previously in person and had them in hand.  My purchase confirmation stated my tickets would be available for me at will-call.  I show up with the friends and I find a well manicured index finger extended in my direction waggled back and forth with all sorts of urban attitude informing me that there is no will call and only printed receipts will be allowed.  I grab my iPhone, remembering recent stories in the press about an iPhone being used as a boarding pass, surely if an airline will accept an iPhone, a club will!  Wrong.  I accept the situation and all the factors going into it and realize that the rules are what they are and I pay again.  My willingness to compromise was rewarded though; for being willing to work with the girl in charge and not being a douche, she gives me a free pass to get in again the next night.

The difficulty in negotiations starts when someone digs in.  If they are just as stubborn as I can be about what they want but are unwilling to compromise.  If they are not willing to work together or try and understand other side of an issue, the system breaks down.  Accommodations only work only if both parties are willing to make them.  And once someone locks in a belief of exactly what they want and will alter their rationale in the face of external data, things fall apart.  The negotiations fail and it usually leaves me feeling really upset and confused on a personal level.

This friend of mine became very upset with me because I was unwilling to discuss what I am paid at my workplace.  He wanted that information and was willing to say things he never meant in order to get this information.  In a pattern that has defined our interactions, the definition of who I am in this person’s mind suddenly shifted.  I was no longer a caring, accepting, kind or thoughtful.  I was a prick.  In a matter of minutes logic, time, and space went into flux and reorganized themselves in a way that made me the eternal prick, from the beginning to the end.  I was selfish and competitive for not giving him personal information in spite of a complete and personal explanation as to why I don’t care to talk about what I make.

I was informed that there was no sense in arguing my case, the friendship was annulled and I was informed that we were better off as “acquaintances”.  I realized he was right, his logic had been set and there was no changing it.  I realized then, that I shouldn’t want to or care.  My line of work exposes me to people who get upset because they are not willing or able to understand the reality of a situation on a regular basis.  Why should I deal with that in my personal life?

The choice to reacquaint myself with someone should be approached like negotiation and less like a true or false question.  Certain pre-qualifying choices can be set up from past experiences, for sure.  But it will always be a negotiation of sorts.  There are no ways to specifically quantify every single situation that can come up in a personal relationship.  Relationships can’t be broken down to a flow chart, there aren’t always black and white options for dealing that human dynamic.  Many decisions, negotiations and other interpersonal interactions are held within that grey space and the choices will vary from more-grey-ish to kindof-not-so-grey depending on who is looking.  However in many situations the choices will remain clear, just like the one regarding my friend.  I don’t have the energy or patience to cope with bullshit like that, so why bother.